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Stop, think, react, only question my thoughts don't battle against my heart.

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Dear You,
It's been a long, long time since i've written anything personal. I must admit, this is well overdue. It's just something about putting it down permanently that turns me away. You are sharing this moment of vulnerability that you can't undue. I'm a proud woman after all. Who knows who will see it, who knows how they may now know you or even if they may perhaps change their views on you. I've gotten much popularity through my years, but to be honest none of it is worth it. So you remember that, none of it is worth it ever. No fame, no glory, no greatness, no success is worth anything without that special something. Whatever you hope to achieve, my only advice is that you do such while being true to you. Humble or aggressive in your approach, be sure that change is for yourself. It may take some time, but you will get there.

And if no one believes in you. For what it's worth, I do. I believe anyone can achieve anything, but not without a cost. Let's face it, nothing in life is free. So prioritize, what are you willing to loose to get what you need?

So where do I begin? It's hard, really. I've been through so much in the past four months and that's not even accounting almost two years of being away from home in the wild of the world. You'll learn so much, and with all the new things you gain you will also lose some as well. Growing up challenges your will to hope, and it will beat down that part of you that dreams tall and great. Don't loose that. That is your key to happiness in anything. Maybe it's easier to summarize who I am.

I'm Ele, of course my maiden name is well obnoxious so I invited a new one. I had decided to become Ele! A whimsical dreamer and evangelist. Ele could slay dragons with her eyes and with a flick of her silver plated tongue, no enemy could oppose her. I guess names have power, they are words...right? Me at square one seems like a distant memory. I remember the girl who could think of nothing. Felt nothing, but saw an awful lot. She knew how to act when told, and could find a profound kindness for even the devil. I really liked her, she was a sweet girl but in the real world being sweet isn't enough. Kindness is a double edged blade. So I acquired her a prince, a dashing knight who would save her from the perils of the world. But if I had known there would come a time when she wanted to save herself..... Well anyways

With time I discovered I didn't want to be at the bottom. Weakness seemed derived from emotion, so I did my best to shut it out. Confidence..a smile? Better than a knife. I want to point out, that you can never become a different person. You will always carry some piece of who you once were, so I believe you can evolve or better yourself. Personally, I thought wearing this face could become my face. My friend once told me to 'Watch who you pretend to be because you lose yourself in the process'. I felt so much stronger than before though. I did not know at the time the impact she would have on my life but had I did know, I might have spent more time than I did with her.

There was this zest for the wind she had, and an unruly nature so unguarded and so blissfully ignorant to how fenced her world was going to be. I really can't explain the feeling, but if you've ever loved something wholeheartedly i'm sure you can understand. That summer of my junior year in highschool, I had moved to a new school and despite making lots of friends there was this lingering silence. A void of knowing they were transient. Southerners had a long history with one another, and I was like a new leaf on a great tree. I was pretty tough then so it didn't bother me so much that I could only be but so close them or anyone for the matter, or so I had thought.

My dog, Moka. She grew on me, I didn't want her at first but I was never one to deny a duty even when it was forced upon me. Overtime, taking her for walks became less a chore and more a great idea. Like her golden fur, I felt as though the world was waiting for us to take it on with our backs against it and all. We could do anything. Even if we lost, nothing would matter. There was the coke machine by the police station we could sneak into for a rest, or maybe the old rail tracks we could pretend to hunt narnia or something. I don't know what it was, but the world just seemed so perfect then. It was so perfect that she was there. Like all the suffering, all the wrong...was alright. But I won't write some extensive novel on her greatness, she was my dog and with anyone who gets what having something like that is...can understand I guess. She taught me how to live.

In short, I learned what love really was. The act of doing things for someone else. The act of selflessness. I knew it so well, that when I had to give her over. It hurt so much more to have to give away the sun of your world. Although I swear to never regret, I can not express the deepened sadness that will forever plague me. Although bittersweet now, I always remember running around in the autumn grass as summer came to it's end with her. I had gotten to show her my world, and with it she had to go. Naturally, I had withdrawn again. I had my moments of silent mourning but I carried on because I had a duty to live. School, school, friends and well I met some interesting people along the way. I moved around twice or three times afterwards, I stopped counting at that point. This isn't an autobiography anyways.

Remember when I said I had made a face? Well, here is the backfire. It's been five years since my dog, and i've "like liked" others. I remember this boy once told me, " When you said you liked me too, I kinda didn't know if you meant it or not". I know it seems like nitpicking, but for such a short sentence it meant so much. Was I that horrible? I thought at first, that the very person I liked the most in the world right now doubted me. But who could blame them? Your heart can't speak without aid from your tongue. I wielded mines like a whip, and no one was exempt from it. It still do, thoughtlessly I do but I try to reconcile. But all in all, I'm just that ignorant when it comes to emotions. I didn't think it would matter if I went away, they would wait...that's what they did in the movies anyways. Wrong. Life isn't like that. You have to fight for everything, and sometimes you have throw the fight. Looking back I feel like a fool when I think of my pride. But that was what had gotten me in the hole to begin with.

Someone important to me had brought it to light that I truly was a mute in love. Sure I tease and taunt, but there was no genuine moment of care. No selflessness in my behavior. At least not openly expressed. I admit, I knew how to handle people who adored me status wise but people who really cared put me off. I laughed at the idea, " You..love...me? Please. Who doesn't." When truly it was more like, " Do you really? I don't like myself that much...but...you really mean it?". It's true, in the words of the great Ezra Miller, "And love is an honor and an opportunity. And a fragile thing. A fragile process in which there’s no room for doubt, or shame, or hatred.". Side Note -Yes i'm artistic, I f*cking love the whole " world peace and love thing, I sympathize with the idea that we shouldn't have roles forced upon us and no one should ever feel shameful for anything they adore. Some people need more love than others, and some want you to tell them you love them because they can't do it for themselves *cough* me *cough*. Everyone is different in love, but what's important is that you know you are in love. Once you realize you love them, it's you and them against the world. As much as I detested the idea, it was a fact I was going to eventually learn to be on my knees begging someone to care for me...just as I expect them to do the same. Love isn't a ladder you climb, it's a three legged race. Awkward, and too close for comfort.

So I think at this point it's fair to say, I loved you boy. I really did. I still kind of do, but letting you go is better for you and myself. Now hopefully..I can stop boohooing about it.

Coming to a close, I would like to restate that it has been awhile since i've done a journal entry. It's really calming, I feel great doing it. I'm hoping I can practice it some more. Who knows, I'll do what I want. I'm only twenty.

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