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Well I haven't written in here for a while and I don't know if anyone really cares since I don't come here a lot and I don't know if you guys really read the journals out there even though they are there. But Hey fellow gaians or real people behind a screen. Lately I've been more sentimental and conscious about everything. Some of my family members have lost their patience with me already. Snapped and yelled at me to pay more attention to when their talking. I apologize but for them it's never enough. They just go on and down talk to me. It's so downgrading and makes me feel so bad about myself. Usually it happens during a car ride when I'm listening to music and just thinking about all the homework I have and all the problems with people I have. My friends have been out to destroy me mostly and I don't even know what to do anymore. But when I'm sitting in the car looking out the window with a heavy heart and then someone comes and yells at me. I just cry a little but not enough for them to wonder and question. But enough for me to think I'm horrible and if I had a loaded gun in my hands I would pull the trigger. But then I think about the family in my church. Who's mother has cancer and fights for life and husband who's is struggling. And how horrible it is to watch the person you love die at such a pace. And don't know if she's getting better or worse. If God will save her or let her fly.
Then that's when I feel selfish because here i am ready to die when there's millions trying to protect it. But I seriously can't help it. I've had loaded thoughts most of my life and sometimes I can't control myself. I feel alone all the time and sometimes being comfortable scares me. Everyone always tells me "It will better tomorrow" "Your just in high school and it's just growing up" Well this is today, not tomorrow. And today sucks. And I feel like tomorrow might be worse or extremely better. Like a lincoln coin with a 50/50 chance for anything. That maybe I will want to die again or live another day.And I'm just in high school? You should have known me before high school. I cut everyday. I cried almost every night. And the only who listened was my diary. I'm clean and mostly happy now but it's almost not enough. I'm actually most outgoing but I feel so insecure at the same time. Which baffles me since it contradicts so much.
Sometimes being the most outgoing one makes you vulnerable to everyone. Everyone sees you as you reveal your happiness and everything to the world. And sometimes that sets someone off to destroy you. Even if it's your bestfriend or anything. and sometimes that closest person can make you feel the most loneliness.
Again. I don't know if anyone will ever read this.
I don't know if anyone will understand.
I don't know if anyone will write back to me.
But I promise. I don't care who you are. If your nice to me, I will surely welcome you.
Just write back and maybe I will keep updating this journal instead of my actual diary.
Thanks for anyone who took their time to read this