it started with the dreams again,
i woke up having a panic attack so i went to sleepto try to fix it.
so we were all on a boat
and i was ins chool, and i had a homework assignment to do for a blass that i didn't even go to. but on the boat were mike, tim fulks, matt riot, mrrs swidinski, trabis, breezy and kara, and at one point kara wen and kicked timmy and he put her in a choke hold, and i freaked out and beat him up. and then another boat passed us,and one of the popele on it was karolyn and it scared me that she was there, and I almost feell in and mike grabbed me, and then i was somehow at home and everyone was there and trey was there, and i was looking for the stupid homework and i had everything else BUT that, so i went to sit on this mattress on the side of mainstreet and read about anne frank for the project so i could at least try to get it done the next day in school, and it started to get dark outside so i went to walk home, and it turned into some sort of street festibal and we were all talking and then nick walked across the street in his mcdonalds stuff and thennn i woke up

ok and now onto my life.
im falling for this boy. i want to be arouond him every second of every day
but he pulls away
and i wonder if he knows, when he pulls away, he's pushing me away.
its ripping me up not knowing what the distance is from. i know he has a lot going on in his life, but so do i. I wish i could spend alone time with hihm, so we could communicate, but when i asked him he said why.
i dont know. i really am falling for him though. because when he's sweet, he's perfect. when he's pulling away, he's gone for a vouple days. like... wtf. i don't understand it at all. he drives me crazy as f*ck in bed. he will tickle me till i sit up to try to breath, and then grab me by my hair and pull me back down onto thoe bed. and he'll wait till im batching my breath to bite me on the side of the neck. or he'll grab my side and find that pefect spot on my hip when i just want to scream from him touching me. thats the physical stuff. and then... when i sleep next to him, even when he is being all closed off guarded and not talking to me, he still makes me feel safer to fall asleep. the bed and the pillows smell like him, and im find with that. i just wish that i knew what was going on inside his brain. dows he only like me somedays? do i do something wrong? I have sooooo uch i want to ask him but im so scared to ask anyof it because when i try to talk to him he gets angry or frustrated and wont talk. we talked once and he said he wanted to be friends for now, but i dont know. neither of us is ready for a relatioship, but i just want to know whats going on ini his mind. and i dont. i think about him all the time. he;s my one track in my mind. he's the beat of the stereo
hes the soung that sounds so close
he's the music on every station
he's the one when my hearts racing
i just wish i knew how he felt back
so every night my brains i dont rack

i dont know. im really falling in love with him again. i just hope this wont be a repeat of last summer....
time to go make him and daddy birthday cards smile yayyyyyyy