I had a breakdown Sunday where it got so bad that I slept in my talismans. With the weight of all of those people that I have hurt, I was able to slowly ride it out. I cried a lot and danced. I walked around a bit and sat in the elevator, like I do so many times when I feel that way. I wish that I had someone that I could call about it, but I can't.
Even if I did feel comfortable about that enough with any of my friends, I would feel like a burden to wake them up just to babysit my through the night. I can do that myself, even if it is ten times as lonely. I have to think of it as a strengthening exercise.
As a direct result of this breakdown, I bought all kinds of junkfood and liquor. I've been really unhealthy all this week. I had a terrible migraine yesterday because of it. I ended up feeling better by turning everything off and stripping so that my body could cool down.
I've been able to pass time by working on Legacy, my new rp in the works. I keep my spirits up by watching Danny Phantom, which I adored in my teens. There are so many reasons to love the show and even though it is a bummer that knowing every episode is no longer an elite thing anymore, I still hold on to that pride that in my youth I had seen almost every episode. I relive that joy now. It makes me hunger for Digimon and other shows that I fangirled over.
Tonight on Logo I saw New Politics got to play on stage. I fangirled so hard. I can't believe they are mainstream popular! I mean, SINCE WHEN?! XDDD I'm so happy for them! I have adored them for so long, I have f*cking proof of that from my friend Firefly.
I know another reason the trigger was so painful is because my usually social online friends are all sparse. I have become alone again and it really leaves my vulnerable for the other forces. It isn't just the being lonely that gets me because otherwise I would be f*cking miserable all the time. No, it's that my stress is easier to handle if I have friends. Without the friends, the increase in stress becomes too much. Of course, even with friends it can be difficult, as proven with high school. Lulz.
The Perks of Being a Wallflower triggered me Sunday. I knew it might do that so I saved it for a rainy day. My curiosity was too much. It wasn't as amazing a movie as people worked it up to be but it had some very good qualities about the way it portrayed depression. I liked that he replayed things in his mind until it was too much to handle. That definitely isn't conveyed enough in movies. Overall though, I still love The Virgin Suicides as my depression movie. v w v It has this unpretentious quality about it that modern depression flicks lack. Films like Running With Scissors or Submarine try to be so indie about it that they come off as pretentious. They almost feel like they're saying "we're so artistic that if you don't like the movie, you didn't get it" but really, you can not like it and still understand the film. You can also like it and not like parts about it. There is that option when you have an opinion. It's applicable to almost all fields in this world really. It's just important that you have an informed decision. Though, I think it's also good to have an open mind so that you're welcome to changing info as well. Lulz.
Mmm~ but I'm on the mend. As long as I've got this schedule I seem to be drifting along. My phone is off to avoid my parents. I need to make it through this month. That is my priority, even if my entire body rejects that notion. Even hearing that sentence in my mind hurts. It hurts so much to even slightly hope that I make it out of this. I mean, after training my body to say such negative things for so long, it actually hurts me. I've learned to hurt myself at any sign of hope like that. I try to think of a future and pain. Pain... pain.
So... BOYS NEED TO STOP BEING SO CUTE!... cause you make me wanna date you!
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