The Cold Flames
by Nathan Aaseng
Chapter 1
Transport
by Nathan Aaseng
Chapter 1
Transport
xxxxxThrough negligence, incompetence, or just plain spite, Old Miser Nature had issued only five senses to Delany Jefferson. Lord knows she had tried to make do. For 17 long years she had battled this injustice, flogging those pathetically inadequate receptors to exhaustion every waking moment just to squeeze a few drops of joy out of her dreary existence. But it was a losing cause.
xxxxxThat futility explains why, on this evening, she barely noticed the savage rhythms that pounded through her headphones of her iTunes, drowning out the efforts of her mother to call her for some annoying task that her lazy brother could just as well do. The flickering candles did not even register in her consciousness, nor did the vanilla scent they released into a room plastered with Johnny Depp posters against a backdrop of hot pink and lime-green walls. Forgotten for the moment was the arsenal of sensory stimulation waiting in the wings: recharging cell phone with unlimited (in her mind) texting, loose stack of Rolling Stone magazines, flat-screen HDTV, DVD/radio stereo system with six speakers, aloe lotion in four different scents, and a mound of pillows piled on a queen-sized bed.
Can you see why I'm crying a little on the inside? I read the first two sentences and was switched almost immediately out of reader mode and into 'this guy desperately needs an editor' mode.
I checked even before I started reading: this is a self-pubbed novel, and as this guy is a published author with 172 books previous to this under his belt as experience, he should know better. I know he was writing non-fiction, but there are some elements that don't change about basic writing skills beteen non-fiction and fiction.
Also, he should know better than only using family to edit/review his novels. They're far too biased, and often inexperienced in the field of editing.
He goes on later to show that he doesn't know the basic structure of a scene, or how contractions work. He also likes to use overly long sentences. Reread the second paragraph. It's only three sentences long. He has some good metaphors that end up getting lost in the continuous description, for example, a few pages later, he has this:
"Roland Stewart would rather have crawled through a graveyard of open caskets at midnight under a moonless sky than cross the white lawn at his feet."
Starts out strong, loses the reader by the end, this is how I was reading it in my head:
"Roland Stewart would rather have crawled through a graveyard of open caskets Good, now stop. at midnight You've made your point, stop. under a moonless sky None of this is important-STOP. than cross the white lawn is this a literal lawn, or a figurative one? Based on all the metaphorical language you've just hounded me with, I'm not honestly sure! at his feet well, I wasn't assuming he was crossing it on his hands, now was I? Redundant, delete.
It would've been much stronger if it had read:
"Roland Steward would've rather crawled through a graveyard of open caskets than cross the iced-over lawn."
Still not the strongest, but it's also far more clear, the reader knows where we are (not lost in the frozen tundra of the Arctic Circle at a research facility, which is what the next few sentences led me to believe until the author came out and said he was a college student) creates mystery drawing the reader into the scene, and makes him sound more like the college student he's supposed to be. Or like a normal person would think of things, for that matter.
Even his short sentences that should pack punch, and in the example I'll use, even humor, fall short because he finds the wordiest ways to say things:
"The vocabulary that accompanied his descent would have greatly dissapointed Louise."
This should be a strong sentence, it should even make you smile a little and add a bit of character to the person being portrayed here. But a lot of it is lost with his verbose manner of sentence-creation. What's wrong with a simple:
"Louise would've been dissapointed with his vocabulary during the fall."
Or even:
"He fell. Louise would've been dissapointed by his language."
Again, still not the strongest, but I'm also just making up these suggestions off the top of my head and trying to stay as close to the writer's original text as possible in my proposed edits.
GAAAAAH! He should've known when an author with his credentials was shot down by undoubtably numerous publishers that maybe he ought to have his work looked at by a professional source, or at least someone outside the family.
I'm not saying I don't fall into these same issues as well as a writer, I do-frequently. I'm by no means flawless. But I let people who will be brutally honest to my writing review it and catch me on it, and many of these are flaws most casual writers would call you on after reading a draft or two of your work. These flaws shouldn't be in the FINISHED, let alone PUBLISHED version of your work.
If I weren't critiquing plot as well, I'd just put it down and leave it at this to put in my review.
A Brief Note: I don't consider this finished or published, even if in technicality it may be so. I can go back and edit when I spot flaws, and plan to do so. If anyone outside me reads this, it is a relatively small audience, and even then, probably reserved for people who know me. So I have wordy sentences in here too, that use far more words than they need to. My point remains. Also, I did mention I wasn't a flawless writer. 4laugh
