Margaritas, Tacos and Mad Men Premiere with my roommates. Jayme had her boi over and we all sat around tonight as a group. It was kind of like a family... only better. It was better than any sit down with MY family. It should be distressing but I think I'm too used to the fact that out family is broken. We all fake that we are fine, but we aren't. When I told people that over break my family literally reserved days separately to spend time with me, they looked like they were gagging on their shock.
Do I come across as the type of girl with the perfect family? Or is it just so strange for people to do that?
If my family worked, I would have never needed the friends from high school. I would have never connected with them on that level. I still stalk them from afar, checking on journal entries, tumblrs, facebooks, and even tweets. They don't know because I don't think they care. If I had a shred of real bravery, I would tell them I was sorry. I want to but I'm so much more scared of being hurt by them. I know they have lived without that closure but I've also lived with that plus my punishment that I've dealt myself.
I'm not only scared of the punishment that they would give to me but what I would be without that self hate. I mean... what else is there left of me? I know if I was empty, I would be free to start over but I don't really want to move on. I want to keep embracing the memory of them till I die.
I was supposed to get roaring drunk tonight, but I'm so scared. I'm so scared. She doesn't have work early so I'm scared to get caught. I don't know how long it takes. I'm so scared.
I tried to think of what I had to offer the world and could not think of anything. I can't donate my eggs or give birth because not only do I not want kids but if I brought a kid into the world, they would be so f*cked in the hormones. My brother and I both have depression issues, which run in the family. My mom has thyroid stuff and I have ovarian cysts. To pass on the chances of those things to another kid is dreadful. I can't imagine anyone wanting a kid like that. I can't imagine a kid looking me up online and being proud of where he or she came from.
I've been actually really happy lately because I've been stretching and working on my conditioning for the stip pole class thing. It's nice to do conditioning. As I've said to Bri several times, I could just do conditioning and no sports and I would be in heaven. It is... brilliant feeling that high.
I think I look gorgeous and I know why people are attracted to me: I ooze sexiness. I am confidant of myself and let myself have fun. Even when I don't dress my best, I still get cat calls. It's because my personality comes out and I have this natural sexiness about me. I am a girl many men would love.
Ah, as my parting remark: I like the idea of sex but the reality is disgusting because it both looks and feels like the man is stabbing you. No thanks. I miss Josh because he didn't make it feel like that. We had sexual chemistry and I really want that right now. I'm almost desperate to relive it. Then again, not. : > Thanks for reading love~!
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