Sometimes I'm not sure why I stay in this hole. This year I will turn 23, and not much is different about me from when I was 19 other than saggier skin and wrinkles I suppose. It's only four years I suppose.. but some people have finished college by now! I'm still doing online college for a few more years. I feel so worthless.
I need to get a job, but most jobs require a license and previous job experience. I'm so deathly afraid of driving I'm not even going to bother with it. My anxiety eats me up so bad.
I'm tired of sitting at this desk every day, all day and then going to bed- not tired at all. Sleeping next to a boyfriend that the sex feels almost like a chore to do now. So monotonous. But were in love, so we stay with it. 6 years of dating. This feels like marriage without documents. I know I shouldn't complain I guess, because I am truly in love with him and cannot picture being with anyone else. I had thought about it once, if he left me or died I would die alone too. Like an old love story, today no one seems to believe in that one true love anymore. I'm only 23, and I'm actually attractive (for my area).. I just feel disconnected to everyone else. I used to be popular in high school- super out going.. and then something happened to me. I'm not sure what, but I stopped going out when my boyfriend went out, I stopped hanging out with anyone, I stopped talking to everyone. After the first year of 'backing away from the world' I noticed that no one really came after me to hang out, or wondered where I was. My boyfriend said people would ask where I was.. but clearly no one really wanted to talk to me personally. If they were my friends they would come after me right? I mean, if you have friends.. they would truly want to hang out with you without you coming to them? I'm not sure because I've never had anyone like that. So now, if I ever do go out (after about 3 years of not really going out AT ALL to parties) people look at me like "Oh where have you been?" like I've been on some trip or something.. I hate that so much its so awkward to me. Clearly I've been at home you idiot. Or I'll get the question, "So what have you been up to lately?" this is a question that I never really have an answer for because I truly don't really do anything! "Oh you know, about 6 hours of computer time.. maybe I did some dishes today." I never really say that but its what I'm thinking. God I hate my monotonous life. And even if the conversation doesn't go there, I still have nothing to say.. I'm so quiet and awkward. I'm nothing like the people that my boyfriend hangs out with ('our friends'). Stereotypical 'hicks' that live to get drunk or high and smoke as many cigarettes as humanly possible while smelling strongly of whiskey or coffee brandy and BO. I'm sort of this girl that wears black skinny jeans, keds or vans, a shirt that refers to something nerdy, and a cardigan or hoodie.. with my nerdy glasses. I've always dressed like this though.. way before this Hipster s**t popped up. Before being nerdy was an 'ironic' thing to dress up and be 'popular'.
Looking very tired and pale!
Check out my awesome Breaking Bad shirt!!
I always say I want more responsibilities so I can (for once) feel like an adult. Every time I try to do something though, I end up backing out at the last minute or doing it once and never doing it again.
Failure is eminent. Is it ever gonna be enough?
