Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

For the past week I've been somewhat depressed. See, my room mate had said he would teach me to ride the scooter so I could go out and get a job and be able to do things on my own, but then he sold it. Its not the first time he's said something only to forget or make an excuse or in a few cases deny he ever said it in the first place. Add in the factor that I don't contribute much to the household and most would probably say "get over it". Considering my position it seems that I should have no say in what is done around here, at least that seems to be what majority of what I run into as far as opinions go. However that isn't what depressed me. Its been this way for a long time. Several years, in fact. Thinking about how long its been this way is what got to me. I'm in my mid twenties and my entire "life" exists online or in the fictional universes of games. Games end and online friends are no substitute for knowing people in person. I enjoy the friends I make online, many of them are great people as far as I can tell, and I do enjoy games, but I don't like that that is basically all there is in my "life". It doesn't really feel like a life to me. It feels more like I simply exist in a void with four walls and a single person that I get contact with once or twice a day for about two hours. Basically, solitary confinement with a few things to keep me busy when I'm not sleeping.

"If you don't like how you are living go and do something about it!" Some might say. It isn't that easy. I have actually forgotten how to interact with other people. I don't know how to start a conversation that isn't awkward and forced, so unless someone else starts a conversation with me I'm screwed as far as socializing goes. I also get rather nervous around new people in new situations if there isn't someone I know around. The only person I know is my room mate and I can already know enough about him to predict ninety percent of what he'll do. I want to be around someone different, but I can't because I don't know how to talk to people anymore neutral

And this all started with the scooter being sold because I had thought that for the first time in years I'd be able to act my age and go out and maybe have a little fun that didn't have to do with a video game or a website. Then it was sold... I do have a tricycle that I could use to go places, however it has no brakes and most of the spokes are rusted. I don't know how to fix it nor do I have the resources to do so. My room mate could fix it, but all he focuses on when I bring it up is how he feels when he rides it. He won't be the one riding it so who f*cking cares how he feels on it? I sure as hell don't. Does he listen when I say that? Nope. We've had the tricycle for six monthes now and this is the circle we go in any time I bring it up. I feel like I'm sixty and trapped in a hole covered by a boulder. Can't go out the entrance, and every time I try to dig I run into rock, but it shouldn't matter because I feel like I should be dead in a few years anyway. I don't think mentally healthy people think that way. Is my brain screwy? Am I broken?

Most of the time I can think about other things and put these thoughts to the side. Recently I haven't been able to though. It is worse when my room mate says I should be happy because I have tons of time to do things I like to do. Yes, I like games and going online, but after a person does that every day for six years with absolutely nothing else to do, it gets old. It got old five years and eleven monthes ago.