I needed somewhere to post things as I was deleting them from somewhere else, and what better place than here where no one reads things anyway...
So I guess it's time I actually use this as a journal. It is the purpose right?
Sometimes it seems that we lie to ourselves to keep ourselves (or others) happy. Sometimes we hide our anger under "Everything happens for a reason." Really we're just trying to keep cool about the problem, but underneath those words are so much more, it's the anger which something didn't happen like we expected or wanted it to go.
Sometimes we try to convince ourselves when we feel the complete opposite about something. An example of mine would be: "I'm perfectly happy being single./I don't want a relationship."
Really what I feel is loneliness. I use these words to convince myself that it's not what I'm feeling. I don't want a relationship. Relationships only cause trouble, and ruins friendships. Besides they hold you back from your goals and your dreams.
However, no matter how much I hang out with my best friend, or how much of my life she does take up, it does not cover that hole in my soul which wants to be all cuddly. It's an empty feeling that I'm not too used to.
With the way that I've been living my life, I've been more "cold" towards people. I've changed to match what my friend wants, which is some distance. Truly, I am one of those "touchy-feely" kind of people. What this means is I want to hug all my friends all the time and sit so close to them that I can poke them at random intervals.
With this new happiness though, that closeness has almost disappeared from my life. I respect my friend's wishes to not hug them all the time, and not be so close.
I've always been one to just listen to what my head tells me. So if I want to mess around with people and tickle them, I would. But now I don't, because I know my friends wouldn't want it. I remember basically groping my friends out in public and being all perverted. That's really me.
As with any friends though, I change. I change for each one of them. I get interested in things that they like for the most part, and I become more like them. I don't know why I copy-cat them most of the time, but I end up doing that. But it wasn't until this group of new friends that I feel like I'm not even me any more.
That's why recently I just want to cuddle with pillows and stuffed animals, because really I have no one else to be close physically with. This past Sunday I sat cuddled with Maura's pillow because I just wanted to cuddle, to be close with something since I couldn't be close to someone.
In the end, I want a relationship. I want some kind of closeness.
But I don't feel that anyone is going to ever want me in that way. That's why I'm happy being out of a relationship.
5th-Aug-2012 03:59 am - [protected post] An Update
So I was looking through my old posts tonight, (it's 3:17am here) and god was I an angsty teenager. sigh
But anyway, since I haven't posted in forever, I thought a little update needed to come from this. Let's see what I've failed to tell you.
So I have a tumblr: drowingintheashes.tumblr.com if you wanna follow. It's pretty cool. I reblog a lot there. Sometimes I rant on there. I don't normally talk to people out of im.
So I have this friend Maura. She's pretty much the thing that keeps me living now. Looking through my posts, it used to be Sarah and Katie. But let me tell you, they're kind of old news. Katie and I dated for almost three years. I broke it off about a month before our three year anniversary. I did it over the internet. I know that makes me a huge douche but whatever.
The first year Katie and I were together were pretty great. Then by the second year things seemed to turn for the worse. Slowly our relationship went downhill. She began college last year, and our relationship just fell apart faster. I wasn't completely sure I could deal with a long distance relationship, but I tried. The second semester we had barely been talking and then I broke it off. Maura had probably helped in convincing me that I should probably call it quits, but then again I wasn't happy. Man I cried the day she left for Iowa. My mom drove her to the airport, along with her mother. I got out of the car and helped Katie get her bags and I cried a lot. I cried on the way home. It was one of the worst things that happened to our relationship.
Sarah on the other hand, she went to North Carolina. Not by choice mind you. She was forced to move down there. She's been down there since my 12th grade year. I'm going into my third year of college. It's been too long. I still keep in touch with her, but our friendship has really lost what we used to have.
Then again, when I started dating Katie, she and I were pretty much mad at each other. Katie made me keep our relationship a secret. A day before the move to North Carolina, I ended up telling Sarah what had been going on. She was pretty hurt, but she got through it with me. Her and I made up. Katie and Sarah, that f*cked them over for eternity.
Getting out of high school was the best thing ever, or so it seemed. At least I had people who would listen to me some of the time. Or so I thought. I made some new "friends" since going to college, but none of them has been as great as Maura Bernstein.
She's pretty f*cking cool. Let me tell you more about her.
Maura Bernstein is pretty much my best friend in the whole world. She has changed my life for the better.
First things off I met her through a friend. They played tennis together, and well I was happening to be sitting with said friend, Jordan, when Maura was wanting to talk to people and came over to where we were sitting. First impression, she's beautiful and stylish.
As soon as she began talking, she was super cool. This was the kind of person I aimed to be when I "grew up". She reminded me of my cousin Jenni before Jenni got with Kevin and killed her personality. (They broke up again, by the way)
Well I immediately added her on facebook. Best decision ever. One day, I was feeling all depressed and posted something about it on facebook, and she said to instant message her. So I did. We ended up talking about rping to make me feel better. She was there for me, and I barely even knew the girl. She was more there for me than anyone had ever been.
Time went on and I hung out with her at school. They had this group at a certain time between classes, and because they were all smokers, they called it smoker's club. I didn't smoke but I sat with them, mostly to hang out with Maura. She was cool and it gave me the only opportunity to hang out with her. Of course I didn't get to do much talking when everyone else was.
She graduated that semester, and spring semester I started without her. Well she had been super busy, but we made plans for me to come hang out with her one Sunday afternoon. The plan was for me to head back home for the night and then go to school on Monday. Well that night we figured it was probably better for me to spend the night, and go to school from there. I didn't have anything but my computer on me, and so I began taking notes on my computer. (Everyone else seemed to do it. It'd be fine for me, right?)
Well this we never planned to be a every week thing. Maybe once or twice. But Sundays became so convenient for us that we began doing it every week. So for the past 7 months I have been going to Maura's house every Sunday and spending the night into Monday. As time goes on we find more things to add to our Sunday ritual, which include: Taco Bell, Smoothie King, and Denny's.
Because I've been going every Sunday, I've also become really good friends with her friends. They are some of the most amazing people I have ever met, and they make me feel like they truly care about me. I also would like to mention that I have finally found where I belong. Everyone around Maura just love me being around. Her parents and brother expect me now, and I have became a permanent thing in their lives. Even Maura's other best friend, Marlayna, likes me, which is apparently hard to do on the first time meeting her.
Over the weeks, Maura and I have just become closer. I make gifts for her, like a Andy Biersack doll and the elder wand (from Harry Potter), and she buys me things, like beats (though they are for my birthday).
So the changes that Maura's made from being in my life? Well I'm depressed less. I still get my rounds of feeling worthless, and she's always there to help me through those too. Tonight when I got really depressed, I didn't think about killing myself though. They were more like thoughts of killing the things that were making me unhappy. I guess that's better because I would never really commit a murder, suicide however, I had tried. I look forward to my Sundays with her, and I know she looks forward to them as well. They're the best things that had ever happened in the history of the world.
Okay, so enough with Maura, and back to some updating because I have old journal entries on my mind. Let's see. The one cat which we had, and we named Bells, well she kept sh*tting in the tub. My mom decided to put her back out on the streets, and she was in heat at the time. So she got pregnant, and had four kittens. One which we adopted and named Spot. My grandma and aunt had kept one and named Radar, Jenni kept one and Katie got one and named him Ziya. They're all happy cats.
I also have another cat, Jack who looked pretty beaten up when we brought him home. But now he too is healthy and he's such the love bug.
And finally we have a dog, or well Gary does. Her name is Angel, and she's a black lab/whippet mixed with a bit of chow. She's super hyper all the time. I've begun to grow attached to her.
So I've pretty much lost all contact with Hayley and Flick, though I've found some new friends, Alix and Faith. I roleplay a lot. I've done all kinds of things: Bellatrix Lestrange, Helena Bonham Carter, Ville Valo, Butters (South Park), and I might do Kate Beckinsale soon. I saw a post about me wanting to join a rp community. Well I'm in a couple. They're more fun than I thought, and it's only 3 years later.
I've really gotten out of touch with the fanfiction and such. Anything that I had been working on has just been put away, and will probably never be touched again. Life goes on. I'll work on more writings eventually. I may or may not post them ever.
Funnily I had read about being annoyed by being imed so much. Now I feel bored when I'm not iming at least two people, though most of it is rp stuff. Nights with a lot of rping usually are great nights.
Life has certainty been interesting for the past year or so since I've posted. And right now, things just seem to be looking up. I have Maura here for me now, and she's been a better friend than anyone I have ever known. She listens to me. I think that's the best part of our friendship. That is the greatest thing anyone could ever give me. However sometimes I decide I think to blurt out my thoughts other times, and no one cares so my feelings get hurt again, but she's there to pick up my feelings and bandage them back together. She's truly amazing, the best friend I could ever ask for.
Well now it's 4 am and I need to get up in 4 hours. So I guess that's all for now.
Lots of love,
-Stacois GFNP Thiess.
22nd-Jun-2011 09:06 pm - [protected post] I'm not dead yet!
So I know its been a year since I've actually posted anything on here. I've been else where. Less fanfiction, more other things. I've kept writing, but no one ever seemed to read my stuff any more, so I never posted any more. It made me angry. Why write when no one wants to hear what you say anyway.
Well my friend, Sarah, she said, If I wanted to write, it shouldn't matter who read it.
So tonight I'm going to write, something. Probably a lame ass one shot. But hey its better than nothing. And to anyone who is still around, reading my blog after a year of MIA, then good for you. Thanks.
Here's for tonight, and maybe more nights of me posting something biggrin
27th-May-2010 12:14 pm - [protected post] Writer's Block: Gadget Conundrum
You're going on your dream vacation and you can only take one gadget with you. Camera, music player, cell phone, laptop or something else – what do you bring and why? Which other ones would you miss most?
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I would bring my camera. I don't care if people don't have contact with me, although my family might have a problem with that. But I love taking pictures and remembering those times where I took those pictures.
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