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There's a Fine Line Between Genius & Insanity
My stupid ramblings and inane thoughts. :)
My personal story.
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Unlike my other entries, this one is a lot more personal for me and it's a matter that I probably shouldn't joke about. I used to have quite a bad problem with anorexia, or not eating in order to lose weight. The only problem is, when you are under that spell you don't realize when you have become beautiful... You just keep going because when you look into the mirror you still see fat and wrimples, even if it's just the tiniest bit that you have left. You still strive and strive to be perfect even though you know (very deep down) that you're never going to succeed.

I was never overweight, as they categorize people these days. I was never a big girl and I used to be so sure of myself. Once upon a time I knew that I was pretty and I knew that I was perfect just the way I was. Then I got to highschool. The bullying started when I was in about eighth grade, people knew that I didn't let anything bother me when they talked about me being a b***h or an outcast, but they started to find a rise when they called me fat and ugly. Said that I would never model, which was my biggest dream my whole life. At first I just laughed, I was only around a hundred and fifteen pounds, how could I be fat?

But then after hearing it so many times my wall of confidence started to deteriorate. I started to believe them... thinking that I was really fat. I started skipping meals and wearing big hoodies and lose jeans all of the time, trying not to draw attention to my body. I started to get depressed and because I wasn't eating I would never have the energy to do anything. It started to feel like everyone was after me and yelling at me all of the time, even when they weren't. I had the emotional capacity of a teaspoon and I started to shove the only friends I had away. I didn't hang out with my little group of friends as much, I didn't go out of the house. Worrying about my weight became as obsession and when I accidently slipped up and ate something I found myself obsessing over it, paranoid that I was getting fat already. Somewhere in there I had started throwing up, too.

I will never forget how I woke up those mornings, weak and sick. People started to notice at school, I would fall in the hallways and even passed out three times (Once in the middle of biology.) I was smart though, and usually found a way around it. I didn't let people know my secret... I was under the impression that letting anyone in on my secret would give them something to use against me. I had never felt so alone in my life. My weight dropped and I remember being in the low nineties, high eighties, just stuck there wishing I was smaller.

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One day I was feeling particularly drained and it seemed to take all my energy to get anywhere. I remembered the bell ringing and still fishing in my locker. I had my bag and when I turned I fell and sat there on the ground a second before I got back up. I took one more step and fell again and when I got up that time I realized that one of my teachers had been standing at his door and he shot me a worried look. I dashed off on wobbly legs and headed to gym where I used another excuse to sit out. I never found out who it was that reported me to the school, but I think it was that teacher. Some days I would love to find out because I would love to thank them.

At the time I was so worried and scared when they told me they were writing a letter home and that they wanted me to talk to a guidance counselor every day and weigh in as soon as I got to school everyday. I got mean and tried to find ways around it but soon I found a best friend in my gym teacher. To this day she is my idol and I call her and text her, I go over to her house to bake. At first I was so guarded and I hated her for trying to intrude on my life... After all I wasn't moving in on her life telling her what she was doing wrong. Telling her that she was unhealthy and she needed to stop doing this. But things were going downhill for me, passing out and falling. Never having energy.

I consented to talk to her, not the guidance counselor, and eventually started eating. It took a lot and there were weeks that I lapsed, seeing the bit of fat come back to my body. I wouldn't eat and go back to the way I was, but she never lost patience with me. She taught me that there were other ways to stay thin... like working out. I began running with her every day after school and even doing some weight training my senior year. I graduated at one hundred and two pounds and though it doesn't seem like much, I was healthy. I was thin but I was eating at least twice a day and working out upwards to three hours a day.

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It's hard to tell kids how much things they say can ruin someone's life... Even the smallest things. Telling someone that they're fat even in a joking way. It can ruin their confidence and make them feel like dirt. To this day I don't have the same confidence that I had before all of that happened.

And I still lapse, too. It still haunts me some days when I look in the mirror and see the little tummy that I have. I don't think it will ever go away, getting out of the shower and walking past my mirror. Seeing that I am not what my mind thinks is 'thin' anymore. I run to the bathroom and grab the toothbrush off the sink, leaning over to the toilet sometimes three times I day. Then I talk myself down and try to remember everything that I was taught.

It seems lately that it's getting worse again and I don't really know why, I think it's the depression that I'm falling into. It feels like everyone is expecting the world of me and though I am trying, trying, trying it feels like I am letting down so many people. I fight with my conscience so much these days and it's everything I have to find energy to work out some days. I've recently purged myself of a couple "friends", people that just weren't good to have around. I've surrounded myself with people who are there for me and I do feel myself getting better. The depression isn't really bad this past week and I am finding reasons to stay alive every day.

I guess I just wanted to share my story... It feels good to get it out of my head. I never really wanted to let people know before now, but I don't want anyone to think they are ever alone. I know this is just a silly website, but if I could ever help one person I want them to know that there are people to talk to. There are people who want to make you better, there are anonymous hotlines to call and talk to. Don't ever feel like you have to starve yourself because beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. Don't ever feel like you have to kill yourself because you know what? The world needs you and your originality. You are beautiful and you may not know it now but you mean the world to someone.

A f t e r F X
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