I sounded upset because I was. But by the time you noticed i was to drained to even say anything. Over two hours after I said I want to die, you ask if I am okay.
You told me once that I could always go to you for help. That you would listen and do what you could.
The other night I had so much wrong with me. I had no idea what do do. Things have been getting worse and worse lately and all people seem to do is ignore it.
Ive tried asking for help. Directly. Indirectly. Though writing journals. Poems. Everything. Not so much as a word about it. How many languages do I need to scream help in before I get any?
I spilled my heart out to you and you tell me I can scream over your house, and that I should sleep. I know you care but when you tell me to sleep and its only 10, I feel like you are just saying you dont want to finish the conversation. You can just say that instead.
The next day I try really hard to explain to you how much I love you, and how much you mean to me. I admit I am suicidal and that the one thing keeping me going is that I dont want to hurt you.
You are indifferent to this and you dont respond.
I break the agonizing silence by saying I beat a game.
THEN you respond. "congrats on the game"
You call me and proceed to tell me that you needed to help a friend. one that was having the same problems as me.
You tell me all about how you left her 5 voice mails, and a 1500 character text.
I understand you really needed to be there for her. You dont have to choose between us, thats not what im saying. Just maybe You could have typed 100 of those characters to me. I am glad you helped her, I really am.
I dont want to be selfish, but I want something. Anything.
I was blindsided by the fact that you are on a waiting list to a collage in NY.
You never even mentioned NY, Or RPI. Or anything. I understand you thought you did but How could you not be sure you told me something so important. I WANT you to get in. follow your dreams, have a good time, all that. But you will live over 6 hours away. I cant drive. Im going to collage here. You always talk about moving in together and we had a plan. Then this happens. I dont know. Its just not fair. any of it. I get nothing.
All that, and so much more problems.
You either wont read this, Will read it in a few weeks, maybe months, or i wont even send it.
I hate myself for doing these.
I dont want you to blame yourself for these things, but i need to say them.
When we started dating, you said you cannot cry. When we took a break, you were mad at yourself that you did not cry over losing me. You didnt cry at the thought of my death.
I have seen you cry on quite a few occasions. Watching anime, in your car. When you were stressed about school. When your mom yelled at you.
You tell me about scenes in anime that make you cry.
Am I worth your tears?
Theres alot I want to say but Im afraid.
I know you wouldnt do it. but ive always been afraid.
I know Jenn is your best friend. I know you have known her for 7 or more years. You have told me more than once that you love her.
She's my friend too.
I just. Ive always had this nagging fear. If you had the chance..ever...would you take it?
If She wanted to be with you. If we were fighting, would you go to her? I know you know her better and shes prettier and smarter and nicer and more girly and...
Im sorry.Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry You probably hate me for typing this or you stopped reading half way through and im sorry I just needed to say these things because im always so scared to say what I think because its annoying and bothersome and prepossessing and stupid and I worry to much and im just so ********
oh look its 1 in th morning. This took me 30 mins to write...
5 hrs until I have to wake up for school,
Maybe ill take my shower at 530 instead of 6.
I can spend another 3 hours online. Clean my room from 3-430, and spend the next hr looking for something to wear.
Im sorry about all of the above.
I love you so much please dont think i hate you or something and please dont be mad at me I really just want to spend time with you but you probably wont want to hang out after reading this....dont avoid me even if you are mad. i wont care it just makes me feel worse when you avoid me, weather you are mad at me or yourself or everyone.
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