ladies and gents, i'm back.

whoop whoop!

tour was AMAZING and tiring and everything else. we had two concerts in south dakota, one in montana, canada, three in washington state, one in idaho, and our last in colorado. stayed with random host families, and had lots of fun getting to know everyone in band and orchestra biggrin

and we're having a home concert this friday, with a professional recording session saturday morning.

and i'm sick. gonk like a sore throat, coughing, sneezing, and a runny nose. roomie has drugs, i am pleased biggrin

AND SHE HAS A SIX-POUND BAG OF GUMMY BEARS. omygoodnessi'mgonnadie.

soooo much freaking awesome food over break. and no exercise. i need to get back into running, pronto...

but i'll probs wait until this friday or so to make sure my shin splint is healed. *sigh* stupid thing.

couldn't have come at a better time, though. had to sit on a bus for 12 days, anyways...

also, looking at a few photos of me at concerts: I NEED EYELINER. srsly. i hate the stuff I have, so i must needs new stuff...

and new mascara.


that, dear readers, is the purpose of a journal. is it not?

I'm confused. this is a mostly just today thing.

these guys i like. they all start with J, either or first or last names. except for probably one. spooky.


there is this one. i'm trying my damndest to NOT like him. because, well... i dunno. he's one of maybe two guys i like by association. which, btw, is really, really weird. I'll think one guy is cute, then i start falling for his BFF, simply because whenever i keep an eye out for one, the other is always around. type thing. o.O;;...... :l

and he's short. and a senior. but a sweetheart. and he actually bothers to talk to me. kind of like a TJ, now that i think about it... *stores that thought for later mulling*

so essentially a day-long (or longer?) obsession?

come on. i seriously am on the verge of getting over another one, i don't need another. gonk

I need to lose weight. I've decided that this weight-loss journey will also be for me to find myself along the way. Find the life i never had, find confidence, and finally believe that I'm worth it.

because right now, I don't.

the super depressing thing about these crushes? they all make me look at myself, and i am forced to remind myself why, even if they knew i existed on this planet, i could never ever pursue even a friendship with them.

i weigh twice as much as them. my complexion is horrible. i'm not good at conversation.

quite simply, I'm repulsive. who the hell wants to talk to this walking disaster?

*sigh* so yeah. it's interesting that i spent an entire year's bible study learning about self-esteem... it's helping a little bit, but there are still a few cogs out of place that are causing this.

it's confusing that we are supposed to find our contentment in Christ alone. in the end, it's only His opinion that matters; why on earth should we bother with anyone else's? why am i bothering right now with wanting a guy to think I'm pretty?

ja. that is the question.

I don't need a guy. but it's so freaking hard to believe that every. single. day.

It's different, somehow. Knowing that the gender that destroyed your life at one point in time actually respects you, admires you, thinks you're worthy of time... it's gotta be the most amazing feeling on the planet.

meeeeeehhhhhhhhhh. I'll muse on this a little while longer. probs just the sickness getting to me.

runny nose now. ew. BED NOW. and it's only 8:40... hah.