...I am not the type to sit a stew over things that happened in the past (that were negative). In fact, I have found that I am the exact opposite. Sometimes I get mad, and for awhile I will rage, but when things cool down, I hold no grudges, I have no reason to hate anyone, and the good memories are all that stick.
I don't know why I was compelled to go back through all my old journal entries on here. Maybe it's because I needed inspiration, or maybe it was to reflect on how much I have learned/changed since 2005?

Either way...I should know better. I should know not to go back through all those old posts because now it has my brain working, it has me thinking and pondering, and thus, I believe I will lose another night's worth of sleep.

It fascinates me how times have changed from when this was my main character...when it seemed like everything was bright in the world, even when it seemed so down. It is sad how the people who promised to always be there dissolved into nothingness, they disappeared, and abandoned the ones they swore to stay close to.
I hear this happens many times throughout life...but that doesn't mean that it makes he parting any easier. What hurts the most is that I am always branded as the bad guy, as the liar, as the stalker, as the freak. What hurts the most is that I'm the one who was blame for ruining 'your' life when you never stopped to think of all the hurt and destruction that you were causing in mine.

There are some days when I wake up and believe that I solved the mystery...when I look back through all the old writings, all those nasty PMs and Journals and then I believe that I have it all figured out. But then, that's when it hits me the hardest, I realize that I will never know the truth behind that person who called herself my "Goddess of Flames", and then I am forced back into confusion.
Sure...I have a wonderful woman by my side whom I live with in Germany. And sure, I believe that I made the right choice to follow this path. But, that does not change the fact that I lost a dear friend in the process.


Gabriela...you were always there for me when things got tough. You listened to my problems as Dustin, forgave me for lying about my Gender, you worked with me as I transitioned back to Amelia, and you loved me deeper than before. You came back to me when I met Taz and I was a terrible person to you...I was rude, arrogant, and I rubbed it in your face that I was in a happy relationship when obviously your heart was still bleeding.
Trust me, I regret those terrible things I did more than anything...just as I regret that day that I turned my shoulder on you. Believe it or not but even small things still haunt me. And I hope you revel in it, for, if I were in your position then I would.
But still, you came back to me when my world seemed to be ending. I was unemployed, the one I loved was seeing someone else, and night-by-night you were there, talking to me, making me laugh and smile just like you had in the past.

Already you were being the better person because you were there for me whenever I had not even bothered to look for you. All those words you said about you loving me more because you had at least bothered to find me were true...and I know that now, because you're right...I had not been trying. At the first bit of conflict I had given up...and for that I showed that I was lazy and I was a terrible friend. By giving up I had gone back on every promise I had ever made to you, and the fact that I still blamed you for things beyond your control made me sink even lower.

Still...each night you were there for me. And I would like to think that as the weeks passed that I made it up to you. When you were feeling at your lowest I began to assure you...I spilled my heart to you again and wanted to let you know how much I appreciated you and how beautiful I thought you were.
I kinda grin looking back on it because it was if we had hit it off all over again...idk. But, all I knew was that I was really happy. I may not have been willing to give up on Taz, but all my old feelings had come back for real. Whenever you would talk about the boys that you like I would get extremely jealous and enraged. When we played WoW, I kept wishing that Joey's character would just hurry up and get kicked off the map or something. Whenever you and I would fight...I would cry...just like I used to on the phone. And when you said nice things to me, all those feelings from before would come washing back over me like nothing had changed.

But...things had changed. It came to a point where you made me choose. It was you or Taz. And you have to believe me that it was the hardest choice I ever had to make. You were one of my best friends, and yes, I still had feelings for you. It was tough thinking that we might be able to have something if I let Taz go...but you had to see my point of view. Taz lived with me, we had built something of a life around each other, and she was always there, even when we did not see eye-to-eye. She took care of me...and I could not let her go. She wasn't making me choose between all three of us, she didn't even ban me from talking to you...and even though it made her unhappy, she knew that I wanted you in my life, so she accepted it.
But you were so mad at me, claiming that I was trowing my life away...you were screaming at me and threatening to disappear if I chose Taz. I didn't want you to go...and honestly, a part of me did not think you were really going to go away...so I chose Taz, thinking that maybe you would come to your senses and we could work things out like we always did. But now...I see that I was very wrong.

You blocked me...you blocked me and then spread more hate. More hateful mail, more hateful journals...all a mask because you felt betrayed. Yes, I had gotten back with Taz..but I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want you to leave again. I depended on you...for morale support, for friendship, for inspiration, for a lot of things. You brought out a side of me that no one else could.
But because you were angry...suddenly I was back to being a freak, being a stalker, and whatever other lowly name you wanted to call me.

So now...here I am, just revisiting old memories. Stuck with these visions that can never be, and stuck with just some old bits of text, written by people I no longer know and probably never knew.

I once wrote of things like love,
how it is a strange thing to the stranger.
I wrote of being together forever,
but back then I knew not of the danger.

But the past comes to present,
and again I'm back at rhymes.
A simple gesture no longer used,
to chronicle the better times.

I know some things are for the best,
as the good and bad come-and-go,
But the memories, my mind they do test,
forced back into that awful flow.

This poem will end as the others once did,
with a sad note of longing and pain,
As wagering things I should not bid,
When at last from eyes tears will rain.

I do not forget,
But alas I am forgotten,
and it's good that it has ended right here.

Because now I have forgiven,
when admitted I have sinned,
And no more will a shed a single tear.

I'm really sorry we ended up this way.

---From: Buttface sad