Everyday I wake up wondering when is the next time I go to sleep. My dreams cannot be considered nightmares, no matter which one, because nothing in a dream could be worse than life.
I wonder why I'm nice to people when they want me dead. I go day after day, but it doesn't matter what I claim my life to be, because if I attack someone, they insinuate that I'm the bad guy after I've been tortured by their filth in this ******** country. You're not the victim if I pound your head in; not by a long shot.
Everyday I wonder what to say on the internet or to someone to ask for help. It seems like if I cry, I'll be called an attention whore. If I say anything, I'm an attention whore. I wonder what it is I should say. What happens when I ask for friendship or actually does happen if I scream for help? What happens when it is as simple as, "What do I do?" I get this long winded message, telling me to sign more of this capitalist s**t-bags' documents, visit a doctor/therapist to prescribe a medicine that they'll force me to pay for when they make enough to feed a ******** city. (you deserve no payment)
After all this, suicidal thoughts that have gone through my head for over 7 years, people who I no longer care if they're dead or alive (better dead), they insist that I be just like them before they bother to love me. I mean, if I'm myself that's not good enough. Why should it be? I'm supposed to impress a worthless human by my ability to serve his bastardized doctrine that deserves to be burned.
No more abuse. You will not abuse me any longer with your protocol. I ask myself why I bothered signing up for any site, signing your bullshit "terms of service" nonsense when you don't care about me. You only care about the money that I don't and refuse to have.
I ask myself what's the point of living this life when no matter who I be nice to, they all leave. It wasn't good enough to follow your doctrine word for word like I did, even when I falsely identified as being straight/heterosexual, it still wasn't good enough for you. What is good enough for the sinful human that deserves no penance? What is good enough for the human that needs not to be impressed by my actions?
I ask myself, why should I actually be tolerant of people? Why should I care about anyone? I sometimes start to feel bad when the anti-internet piracy ******** claim it's "theft", but then I remember that there's nothing worthwhile to be stolen from the capitalist ******** that are only keeping up all these links so they can play victim to a process after they inject tracking agents into selective downloads which is only legal due to their precisely worded loopholes that only they understand in order to pretend that they have an argument.
Why should I not be like this after the countless ridicule, abandoning me, screaming at me because I don't work while refusing to pay any taxes to a ******** country that's certainly not worth a dime of my time? Why should I uphold the laws of abuse? I saw something once; I saw what I thought working meant. I thought it meant doing something for a community. Then I saw what it really was; torturing me to sign papers which alleviated the ******** employer of any rightfully deserving termination of his bullshit career; reading through 10,000+ documents just to have a slight understanding of what any of these assholes are even talking about.
There's no hope left. There's no hope left after the times I've pounded myself in the head and abdomen, because there's not anything I've ever seen worth following. People verbally abuse me. If I beat them like they deserve, the ******** police come around to throw me in prison, because that's all they're good for. You abuse me, leave me, I hit you, then you make me suffer even more by calling up your personal army to throw me in a prison that I don't deserve to be in, because this country is nothing but abuse.
Westboro Baptist Church people only deserve forgiveness when they are killed. Why should I care about their lives when they want me burned alive for eternity and then play innocent by saying, "I'm not passing judgment on you, derp"? This fear of suicide leading me to a place of eternal damnation after I've had to suffer through this country of incompetent fools is not something I deserve from a ******** God. Even when I see heaven as being a cold and desolate land of being forced to obey this God's ******** commands for eternity sounds like the same place I'm currently living in. That said, I've never seen death as relieving my pain. I don't want happiness in the afterlife; I want happiness in this life. ******** your afterlife.
I wanted to sleep. That's all I wanted to do today.
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