I was listening to Leona Lewis just now, watching old episodes of Britain's Got Talent. And I searched for her songs since her winning the show. She is a very emotionally charged singer. This being the reason why I love her so much. Not to mention she is an exceptionally beautiful young woman. One other reason I love her is that her songs are mainly personal, they grab me, hold onto me and allow me to feel the music.

Her song "Better in Time", does she speak the truth? Do things really get better in time? Does the pain, the hurt, the void, the loneliness...really...get better in time? I can't really say since I have naught an experience to recall from...until now. I am surely going to find out. There is no absolute doubt about that...

"To you, I'm sorry about all the lies,
Maybe in a different light,
You could see me stand on my own again..."

I don't have many regrets in life. But the few regrets I do have are some of the biggest I have ever encountered in my life. There are times in which I sit and think, why? I'm not a very bright individual by any means. But I did something so entirely stupid, so immature, so...cruel. What's wrong with me? Am I that jaded, that condescending, that conniving?

"I never really wanted you to see,
The screwed up side of me that I keep,
Locked inside of me so deep,
It always seems to get to me..."

Is the label I once received from 'white coats', a sociopath...not far from the truth after all? Am I that twisted an individual? What is wrong with me? Why am I this way? Can God even help someone like me? Has God ever turned anyone away? Of course not. But while that is so, it is very easy to turn me away...especially after the sins I have committed.

"I never really wanted you to go,
So many things that you shouldn't have known,
I guess for me, there's just no hope,
I never meant to be so cold..."

Nothing and no one can save me now... Self preservation is not my strongest point. I am weak, I am scared, I am alone. And I did this to myself. And I will have to live with this for the rest of my life. I will have to live with knowing I ruined something so perfect, so absolute, and so sound... Why, why did I do it...? What is wrong with me?

Somehow I don't hear anyone responding. Because I am that messed up an individual. This is why I am alone, this is why I have always been alone, why I have no friends and why I will remain alone. I hurt them if they get too close. I prevent them from ever wanting to get close to me again. Why? What is wrong with me? What is wrong with me? Do I belong here? Is there really a place for people like me in the world?

No, no there isn't... There will never be a place for someone like me.
I don't belong here...

"But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo,
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here,
I don't belong here..."