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I won't go into details, but I honestly and truly believe that I'm a horrible person. I'm in a bad mood so often now, and I've often been told by my family that "when you're happy we are, and when you're sad we are too." So I feel guilty for being upset because I feel like I'm ruining everyone else's day too.

Another thing is that I'm a complete idiot who can't do a single page of homework without calling her amazing mom to help her. I'M 17 DARN IT I SHOULD KNOW THIS STUPID STUFF BY NOW.

And she totally thinks that I know it and that I just have to keep trying and work at it. I know that but my brain just refuses to give me answers most of the time, and then when she finally tells me the answer I feel like an idiot for not knowing.

Another thing is that I'm useless as a sack of newborn puppies. I hate washing dishes, taking out trash, or doing anything that involves touching something dirty. I also just hate work in general, but obviously I'm going to have to grow out of that if I want to get paid for anything my future job tells me to do.

I'm also really childish, as some of you know, and I both love and hate it. I love it because it makes me feel like I don't have to be stiff and boring like some adults I know. I'm free to be me and I'm glad I have that... but then I hate it too because I feel like when I don't act my age people are judging me. I believe I think this way because when I was little on the rare occasion that I would get to go out and eat with my great-grandmother(on my dad's side) and eat like I normally did/do(which is kinda sloppy) she would give me this look... no, it was more of a glare I guess. Upon seeing said glare I would freeze and feel this impact of shame inside.

I don't want to grow up, but I know that I need to because if I keep being stubborn like I am I'm going to end up all alone(physically) someday and no way of knowing what I should do. I'll be out there somewhere dying and I won't have the slightest clue of what to do with myself because all I will know is that I'm a lazy, childish, idiot that can't do anything on my own.

Sorry for the long rant but I just needed to get that out of my system before it destroyed me inside. cry I really should be on the computer typing thoughts on myself when it's this late at night... crying