wanting what you can’t have.

isn’t that just the worst thing in life? where do i even begin.

another night and my head is just filled with too many thoughts of you. that strong desire to talk to you won’t leave, even though i know i can’t. it may sound simple. just a text or call away. but no it is not that easy because i can’t just restart and forget about what happened.

what hurts the most ? … why didn’t you tell me that her time was up, that she didn’t have much longer. why didn’t you ever invite me to see her with you?

i wish i could’ve been there for you through those rough times, but because i was not able to, now i feel as if i am facing this alone. because nobody knows how i feel. how it feels to find out that you will never see someone again. i remember so clearly how i kept planning to bike over and surprize her but it never happened. i was scared to see how she was doing, but now its even worst, because i will never know.

not knowing is the worst.

i hate being kept in the dark. all these secrets are no good. sooo many times have i found out secrets and just let it slide but no, this one is too much. too much for me to handle. and it wasn’t even anything to hide. it wasn’t yours to tell? well sometimes, i think we need to look at the situation from a different perspective and make the right decision. i guess i was not that right decision in the end.

i thought that after all we had been through, there wouldn’t be anything else that we couldn’t over come . why is it that everytime i give my all, nothing is given in return? i know it is so selfish of me to think that but, why am i trying so hard when nothing is going to change? or maybe i didn’t try as hard as i thought i had and this is the outcome.

i have come to realise that all my past friendships end the same. it was never them that left, it was me. i was always the one that left when something went wrong. i had believed for so long that people always leave me, but it was me. maybe this is karma. because i have finally found the one person that i don’t want to leave, im getting what i deserve for leaving everyone else. it hurts so much.

i have always believed that having one person over many was enough. all you needed was that one person in your life and you could over come anything. i think i was wrong. because that one person doesn’t exist, you have opened my eyes to that. i can’t even imagine myself ever getting married and spending my time with one person for the rest of my life with. how can there ever be someone that wants to spend every waking moment with me when you already can’t for just a few days.

i have never felt this lonely in my life before. maybe i have and i just don’t remember but i know for sure that these past few months have been really rough and has been the hardest to endure. the pain that came with the tears were just unbarable and so many nights had i wish you were there. i felt like there was no one i could turn to, because no one knew what i was going through. losing everything that summer. being lost in school aswell and trying to figre out what to do. being stressed because of all the alone time i had ahead for myself while going through this pain. trying to help out with the family income but no one understands . when i really look at everything that is wrong with life right now, i just can’t take it .

now the one person i truely want to share all my feelings with is not an option because im stubborn. i chose to ignore her because i didn’t want to give in again. but how can you let someone slide when they tell you they were willing to “jeopardize” you and everything you care about. that just doesn’t make sense to me. why is it that i kept telling myself to never let anything jeopardize our friendship again, when you did. isn’t that basically saying you don’t want it as much as i thought you did? the one person i am willing to trust unconditionally is willing to throw it all away? i know there are things to work on and things that could be improved but why should i fix them if you are going to end up throwing it away?

i tell you everything and don’t get the same in return, fine. i understand that there will always be other people that you can confide in rather than me . i understand that there are others that you can have more fun with because of similiar interest. i know that i am not everything, now i know at least. but all that would’ve been okay, if you had not made me believe that i was someone special.

maybe i was just asking for too much. now all i can do is force myself to not get too attached. you deserve so much better than a selfish, stubborn girl who gets jealous and doesn’t want to share. it takes everything in me to not acknowledge your jokes, and simple gestures. because convicing myself that i am not special is the only way to get by .

i will always want to have that warth and sercurity but not if it doesn’t mean anything.

i am not as strong or independant as you make me out to be. epsecially right now when everything is so messy . but the only person i want i cannot have, so i will learn to stand alone.