f*cking ridiculous, really.

ya know what i really hate? well, besides my crap grammar and sh*t, but seeing other people have that jazz in their lives. does that make sense? no? well, LET ME EXPLAIN TO YOU MY KIMOCHIS.

like, one thing, is seeing happy people. like, genuinely happy people. like, i mean, come on, man. i am always, always around happy people. i just stand there watch them be happy, while i am stuck in the little hole of "lol nope u r nevar, evar, evar, gonna be happyyy /taylor swift's red beat". seriously. like what the f*ck. why can't i be happy. i eman, i am, well, not erally. i am more kinda neautral. i have happy moments and i have sad moments. but the last time i genuinely remember me being happy, like so happy i can cry happy, was getting my puppy. no, not even that. i was just excited with all her fwafwa and cuteness. but, to be honest, i don't think i have ever been genuinely happy.

like, all, if not most, of my friends are pretty wealthy. my friend's dad gives her like 50 bucks when we go out. what does my dad give me? 10, if i'm lucky i get 20. like, WHAT THE f*ck. and, they get really nice things for christmas or whatever. fjdksal;jfiewojdvsnk

ok, this is getting out of hand. i guess that this is going to be more of a wishful entry? maybe? i dunno. xD

i just wish that i could be happy. like, so happy that it is a radiating warm light that causes other people to be happy around me. you know what my friends call me? "ball of sunshine". and they are completely joking. i am not a happy person the majority of the tiems, i hate/get annoyed at most things, because i can't f*cking have them or experience them and instead i just sit there and watch it happen to some other person but myself.

and because of that, it puts me in this hole that keeps digging itself. because i know, that no matter what i do, it will never happen to me.


YESterday, it was this girl's birthday. she walked into the lunchroom and the entire room just started singing happy birthday. i want that to happen to me. moments later, her boyfriend walks in the room carrying a thing of flowers and a big bag. okay. no joke, the moment i saw those flowers in his hands i was just tearing up. tearing up because how cute it was, and tearing up because i just wish that something like that would happen. i know this sounds extremely retarded, "carolina, stop being a turd" BUT I AM SORRY, OKAY. anyway, in the bag, he BOUGHT HER f*ckING TWO HUNDRED DOLLAR SHOES. LIKE WTF. WTF MAN. THEY HAVE BEEN DATING FOR LIKE TWO MONTHS AND HE ALREADY BUYS HER $200 SHEOS?!?! dude, she is not going to suck your dick, man. she is not like that.
ANYWAYYYY, her reaction is what kidna irked me. she did seem grateful and all, but i dunno. i mean, maybe it was a normal reaction, or maybe i am just over emotional (lol it's ridic, really), but if i walked into a room and everyone started serenading to me, i would be in f*cking tears. seriously. and if my boyfriend (lol what a funny sentence. i mean, the irony is just... lol) walked in the room with flowers, i would just bawl. just with flowers. i don't need $200 shoes. i would be bawling with flowers and a stuffed animal. even if they were ugly i would still be bawling. like, seriously, i would probably pissing from my eyes with a small puddle at my feet.

i guess, that, in the end, i want my own little transient moment of feeling special and loved by all.

and i guess another reason why i can't be happy is because i kinda see the bad in everything. you know? i'm just really pessimistic. there is more bad than good; more sad than happiness out there. people always tell me their problems, whether it is sad or not. and maybe it is the unconscious thought of those problems, their sorrows, that weigh me down into this never-ending route of unhappiness. and no matter how hard i try, i can't get out.