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bleeding hearts journal

Community Member
once there was a little girl she was small and mousey but always loved school....she had always felt school was a way to get away from the pain she felt when she was at home...she never understod y mommy's breath always stunk and bubba had bruises on his arms she never understood y mommy always brought home strange men. one warm day she went to school wearing a coat no one told her to take off her coat when she got there so she left it on all day until she got home then hid it in her closet so her mommy wouldn't see..mommy was angry a lot of the time, bubba didn't wanna play much anymore he just cried alot. a few weeks passed and mommy left the house a lot and one she came home with another strange man but this man was different than the others b/c he looked like he was dressed for halloween...later on in the night the new strange man came into her room and told her he had a present for her if she was a good girl so silently she agreed to be quiet b/c thats the barbie she asked santa for that he didn't get her. the man told her she had to be quiet and do as he said or she wouldn't get the barbie so she stayed quiet as he layed on top of her and touched her places that mommy always told her were bad spots. but she wanted the barbie so she didn't make a sound and cried silently after a while he got off her and threw the barbie down on the ground next to her and told her not to tell anybody silently she grabbed the barbie and and threw it in the back of her closet after the man left. the next morning she tried to tell her mommy what the man had done to her but mommy called he a lier and slapped her in the face and told her never to tell a lie like that again, and never said another word about it...a few years l8r a strange women showed up at the house to come and take the little girl and her brother away but the little girl didn't understand she just wanted to stay with mer mommy even tho she never believed her she still loved her...as the years went by the little girl and boy who were so innocent grew up in homes of strangers until one day they split them up one day the little girl stayed with a family that had lots of other kids she thought she would like it there so she agreed to stay with the family...as years went by the girl grew up in an abusive home....a home so different from what it had been in the begining...the girl who wasn't so little anymore started having problems at skewl,kids picked on her and called her names. she always felt so alone until one day a girl named jodi stopped a bully from beating her up again after that they became best friends. the girl would have done anything to keep jodi her friend forever and jodi always promised she would be...as the years went on they remained best friends smile then one day jodi missed skewl the girl was worried jodi never mentioned missing skewl they always talked about everything, the girl went home that day rly worried about her bff and tried to call but no one answered. the next day jodie showed up at skewl and pulled the girl in the bathroom her eyes were red and swollen adn the girl asked"jodi? wats wrong? r u ok?" jodi looked at the girl with tthe same emerald green eyes that she had seen a million times before but this time they were so sad the girl started to cry, jodi took the girls hand and said "i no i promised never to leave u and i never will i will always be with u no matter where u r at..." the girl looked at jodi and said "y r u saying this? wats going on?" jodi took both of the girls hands and said " i have cancer...it's too late to stop it i only have 4 months to live...." the gilr looked at her best friend and shook her head and started crying harder and said "no that can't be true..u can't leave me jodi plz tell me ur just playing a trick on me plz!!" jodi looks back at the girl and says"im so sry i wish i was but im not...thats y i missed skewl yesterday i had to go to the doctors..." the girl looked iin her friends eyes and saw that she was telling the truth and instead of running away she hugged her best friend and swore to never leave her side no matter wat happened....2 months after jodi told her that she was dieing she got a phone call from her friends mom saying that jodi passed away...the girl broke down and cried...she felt like dying too. the girl went back to skewl the following monday no one acted any different it was as if jodi hadn't died and everything was normal she felt all alone...l8r that day some guys cornered her and asked where jodi was she started crying and told them she had passed away, they started laughing and one of them said "so now u don't have a body guard huh?" and kneed her in the stomach then the one of the others punched her and made her hit her head against the wall and they all took turns hitting the girl. wen they finally left she ran to the bathroom to try and see wat she could cover with her makeup and figure out a good lie to tell so no one would no...the girl went home that night and made up more lies so everyone would leave her alone that night she tried to killer her self but no one noticed as time went on tthe girl started cutting and tried more times to kill her self but failed. she had lost contact with her brrother and lost her best friend and any guy she trusted with her heart broke it more and more every time she let it go so the girl stopped dating and became more seclusive...one night the girl got a phone call from her brother he wanted her to come live with him and there real dad the girl was so happy she would be with her brother again she said yes so she packed up all her stuff and moved to oklahoma to live with her dad and brothers and sister. in the begining it was just like she dreamed everything was perfect she got along with her siblings and her dads girlfriend liked her and she hellped her get a job the girl was happy smile as time went on things changed her sister moved out and her brother ran away...the girl started cutting again and yet again no one noticed....the girl started having more problems and started failing in skewl and finally she quit doing her work and read her books most of the time. one day the girl get called into the office and the office aid says"im sry sarah but if u dont pass ur math class u wont be able to graduate" the girl starts crying and the office aid says"u can go see the counsilor if u want" the girl agrees she talks to the counsilor and tells her everything and then goes home and talkes to her dads gf and shows her the scars from where she started cutting again. her dads gf tells her dad and wen he gets home they have a long talk and her dad threatens to have her locked up but he doesn't. months go by and the girl ends up graduating and stops cutting then around christmas she starts having dreams of killing herself they get so bad she starts talking in her sleep and she cries in her sleep and wakes her brother up in the night and hears her and gets scarred and tells their dad and one day he takes the girl to this place and tells her if she doesn't accept the help from these people that she would have to find a new place to live so the girl agrees....that happend a year ago and since then she had been in and out of 5 hospitals...over those months the girl and her dad fight a lot as does her and her dads gf...her dad gets mad at herr and tells her she looks like a freak and she is a loser b/c she is emo...the girls goes into another hospital, altho she hasn't cut since january it's still hard for her not to do it on some days...and it's still hard for people to trust her in 5 days it will be a year and no one but her will remember it..everyone now tells her she means a lot to them but no one remembers wat will happen in five days but her....she loves everyone in her life but some days she struggles with her problems...she still can't look at or talk about clowns b/c of that one night a strange man came into her room and told her to be a good girl....she still feels the pain of losing jodi every year on the 25th of march...she still feels the pain in her stomach from where the kids kicked her and beat her up after jodi died..she still feels the pain of being slapped in the face by her foster dad repeatedly..she still feels the pain of hearing her real dad call her a freak and a loser just because she is emo just like all the kids at skewl did in june it will be a year since she has went to a hospital for any reason other than to visit a relative who is sick but no one will rememeber that but she will in 5 days it will be a year since she cut no one will remember but she will and althoug she's wishes it were differnt and everyone tells her they love her and she means a lot she still feels alone in the corwded places...5 days it will be a year...butt she can make it can't she? she's made it his far right? yeah she will make it smile maybe.... smile


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