eek I want turkey, even though it is healthy I know my stomach will kill me for it. I seriously can't eat anything solid without completely regretting it because of the pain or the heat my cold little body produces.

So, it's the new year in less than 2 hours and I'm sitting here on Gaia, pretending I've got a popular blog that everyone on earth rushes home to read. Whatever, I am enjoying myself, I have got everything I need, on New Years with my WONDERFUL Husband.

I received an invitation to a Pub for New Years, I could barely hold my anger in, my BEST FRIEND was trying to sabotage my efforts to be sober forever. From being a former alcoholic, admittedly.

I am slightly shocked at the fact she was even going to a Pub, she's almost as obsessed with body image as I am, although she weights approx. 50lbs more than me...That was part of my conceited side showing...

She says she isn't going to have any alcohol, but I wonder what fun she will have on New Years watching her money hungry boyfriend get completely WASTED!

I feel bad that we aren't as close as we used to be, but she never really accepted the fact that I have an eating disorder and sort of... embrace it?

What else am I supposed to do except embrace it? It will be a part of me for the rest of my life, I can't hide from myself just because my friends don't understand eating disorders. On a side note, our Mutual friend asked my how to become bulimic or anorexic, and now competes in bodybuilding competitions even though she's fat and has no muscle, and I'm the messed up one?

I think she believes that I am 'copying' her, about living a clean food, bodybuilding, fit lifestyle. The truth is, she recently was able to walk again when her Doctor told her she would never walk again after a horrible accident. Once she was able to walk, she started working out, because she got pretty unhealthy, and large, actually. this was probably only about 6 months ago when she started working out and posting Fitspo to her Facebook page.

I had trained for years to join the Military, and I was incredibly fit, but struggling with Anorexia. So technically, the YEARS of training I have done to stay tiny with a low body fat percentage and the exercising every day kind of makes HER the one copying ME!

I just recently accepted the fact that EVERYONE in my life knows about my Eating Disorder, it's so obvious, even my sternum shows. Anyways, what I'm getting at is, I started letting go of Thinspo, slightly. So I started an obsession with Fitspo(even though I always enjoyed it)

I started posting Fitspo, and now I'm the horrible person who's a conceited copycat who has to be better than all her friends.

In reality, I don't think all of my friends strength put together could get them through a day of Military life. Not the way a woman is treated. I am better than all of them.

I love me, and my Sternum, so my friends can just pretend that I'm the sad, sorry one while I make them all JEALOUS!

I don't think I have EVER ranted like that, I think I am going to enjoy this Journal!