*DISCLAIMER* During the time of writing this journal i am high off weed and have had probably four different alcohols coursing through my body so i apologize if something was said that may or may not embarrass or hurt emotionally.

Now that we got the legalities out of the way.

I want to wish the ol' Battle axe a happy birthday... She knows who she is. she wont be reading this but the thought is there. i know her birthday is the 22nd of Dec. and atm (although here its 10, its 1 on the 23rd there.) but no look so although im high i mean No ill on anything related to her. shes near and dear in my heart still. shes happy which is all i could ask for :]

Ive known here for uhm... 5 years. 6? and although im probably on her blocked list and just hearing my name makes her sick to her stomach i couldnt feel that way towards her. time has past, wounds healed, and shes right. she isnt my friend nor anything else anymore. f*cked it up i did. haha but we had some good times. i hope that anyone she deems worthy of giving her attention to must make her happy in some sort and for that whomever she surrounds herself although none of my buisness im happy she has people. im a horrible writer sorry.

heh. Madi. from the moment i met ya i knew you were special. She gave ME attention. ME. no one wastes their time on me and if they do they must be equally or more bat sh*t crazy than i am. ya know. ive noticed im invisible, i am a big guy and i can sneak up on most, remain undetected in a crowd and just dont stand out ever. and she found me, mainly because of a naruto cosplay.. yes i remember you "Gaara" haha. good times.. but no, she seen something in me i thought i didnt come equipped with from the company. you found it, brought it out and made me into a man. sure sh*t went down, into a hole and left me there. but thats my fault. not yours. hell that god damn "Draw with me" still brings me to tears. we had some special moments... last memories before it ended was her and i dancing.. she had to step on my feet cuz she cant dance. fond memories of a lifetime of happiness. long since dead. im not mr. right. nor can i say im a good boyfriend or friend for that matter. now i sit in my chair, scarf on and wishing for my grass to grow and looking up hoping one day i might get to talk to an old friend. i miss those talks when it was a kid sitting under the onning with rain falling on it amplifying the sound and the girl sitting on her roof in the rain because how much she loved it. she was my best friend. knew me. all of me. secrets, fears, hopes, weaknesses, strength. everything. and when she walked away i went with her. but she kicked me in the head and told me to get over it. i have. ive grown up. moved on. but no matter how far we go. how long its been. or how much i heal. this is what i know will happen and not because of what happen but because of how ive changed. I Will die early, i wont find happiness, i will die alone, probably by suicide due to pride of not going through the slow decline of death, im bitter, im still hurt, ill never fully heal, ill never forget, ill always miss it, but most of all i will always be glad that not only ha. ha ha. and i say this from the bottom of that cold lump in my chest. im happy. not in life but that that experience. that whole f*cked up best most horrible sh*t storm we went through was with you. because now i can say the following things with genuinly happiness because: i went through it with you, i wont ever forget you, i can say you changed, saved, and ruined my life, i can say that you healed, opened, warmed, broke and killed my heart, you caused me blood sweat and tears, and you showed me to love, smile, be happy, accepting, and you showed me there are very few if only one that can see me for what i am. taught me how to be a kid, be a man, hold onto the good times and how to deal with the worst times. and most of all im happy you were the one that has shown me some of the worst times and unforgettably happy times. that tingle i got when you would genuinly smile and those heart shattering times when youd look up to me sobbing quietly as those tears ran down your face and the moment i seen your heart break... it was with you... Madi. you are happy now. therefore i can sit back in this dark corner, at this desk next to my empty beer cans, broken jack bottle and the pile of drugs behind my laptop and smile because for once something in my life hasnt shriveled up and died. happy birthday you old battle axe. i wish you nothing but happiness and not only a merry christmas but a wonderful life.