You know what I'm rather bothered by? New clothes, new shoes, and new, unnecessary accessories.

I don't like buying them. I would prefer not to get them as gifts. I'm not particularly fond of owning them. sweatdrop

Thing is, I don't like spending money on such useless things. I mean, clothes is a necessity in today's society. I have enough clothes to last in today's society, so I don't think I need anymore.

My family moved here in Canada in the previous generation. My dad wasn't even an adult yet. My mom, having the help from her family members who arrived here earlier, still had troubles fitting in.

People who move here from other countries don't start off rich. They can get rich, but they don't start off like that.

I know, from stories and from my own memories, that my family was once very poor. We couldn't afford much. In fact, we only bought things we absolutely needed.

I remember being sad that I couldn't get anything I wanted. I was a kid once so I know what's it's like to feel greedy and selfish. Thing is, it's okay for a kid to feel like that. Apparently, it's normal to want things as children.

I went by this saying, "I don't get what I want, and if I do, it's not how I want it."

Basically, I remind myself how limited I am to the temporary joys that I can get with money. I told myself that it's hopeless wanting things.

I grew up forgetting how to want materialistic things.

Sometimes (and I hate myself for it), I get annoyed at other people and how they have so much, and want so much more.

I mean, I don't like when people want things. It just seems... well, selfish!

And I apologize right here and now for all those who've I wrongfully thought of.

I kind of lost the joy of receiving stuff like clothes.

I don't like buying them and I don't like getting them.

I remember when I was young, maybe in first or second grade, and it was Christmas time. My family was really poor and my extended family members often bought us stuff like clothes.

I never liked getting clothes for two main reasons:
1.) People didn't buy me clothes I would normally wear. In other words, it often wasn't my style.
2.) It's not fun playing with clothes. As any kid, toys are more appealing.

I never got toys. I remember getting something I'd asked for years before. It was sad because back when I wanted that certain thing, my family couldn't afford it. Then when my family had settled down and COULD afford it, I didn't really want it.

I felt so horrible then, that I self-consciously decided never to ask for anything.

I thought, I honestly thought, I was doing a favour. If I didn't want anything, no one should spend money on me, and they would spend that money for something else.

But no. Now that I abolished my "wantings", people bought me outrageous things. Things I did not, would not ever, want. And I felt even more horrible because I faked my appreciation.

I hate myself so much. I hate how I reacted to things in the past, and I hate how tiny decisions affect me so much now. I hate it, absolutely! gonk

I remember
...tearing away the wrapping, opening the mysterious box, revealing a set of clothes and almost crying. Inside, I wanted to thank the sender for thinking of me, but I didn't want to look at the gift. The gift I didn't want.

Later that day, I did cry. I have to admit, I was a crybaby. My sister, who, at the time, shared the same bedroom, talked to me. She said, "you might not like getting clothes now, but you'll like it in the future. Trust me."

My sister loves getting clothes. She loves getting shoes, and bracelets, and necklaces, and rings, and earrings, hair stuff, anything. She loves it all. Oh, how she can love it.

Well, if you're reading this, sister, you were wrong. It's been YEARS since you said that, and I still don't like getting clothes and stuff in the like. stare

I have enough. I have more than enough.

I have an outfit to wear everyday of the week. That's enough.

I have shoes that keep my feet from feeling the direct terrain of the earth. That's enough.

Please stop buying me things I don't need.

You know what I love? Paper. Paper can be made into, virtually, anything. If you give me paper, you're giving me the ability to make my own world. A paper world. A cheap but entertaining world.

If you feel the need to spend more money, don't buy me clothes. Buy me expensive paper then. Buy me lots of paper then. Don't buy me something I can't use.

I'm an origami person. Paper is my art. I won't ever have enough.

A painter will never have too much paint. (S)he will never have too many canvases.

A sculptor see no problem in having too much clay. (S)he can store it and use it later. It will be used eventually.

But buy a model a set of clothes, and she will only wear it a few time before it gets forgotten. Buy her jewelry and she will wear it until she has something better.

My point is, buy me something I can use, something I can modify, something I can morph, something I can present the world in a completely unique fashion. And no, unique fashion does not apply to clothing.

If that's too hard and complicated, don't buy me anything and save your money.
Buy things I can give to my friends. If you don't know what to give me, give me the gift of giving. GIVESEPTION.

My parents bought me boots for my birthday. Black boots. Nice boots. My third pair, in fact. I have too many!

And now, they bought me more.

Not to be offensive, but I don't want it. I don't want anymore things! PLEASE STOP GIVING ME THINGS!

You know, sometimes, I even get yelled for having too many possessions. WELL, WHOSE FAULT IS THAT?

It's like giving someone a gun and criticizing them on how they're so violent.

Give me paper, and I'll make a beautiful work of art that people will praise me for. Give me clothes, people will comment on how spoiled I am and how rich my family is. Don't do that to me, I beg of you.

I'm not the type of person who wants praise though. I don't want praise, but rather acceptance. And I don't want to be accepted as a spoiled child. I want to be accepted as someone who doesn't abuse money. Someone whose intentions are clear. Someone who has the potential to do something great. I want to be great, yes. That would be pleasant.

Although, once I heard someone say, "I don't want to be accepted. I want respect." So be it. Amen to that, I suppose.

I just.. really don't like having new clothes.

This summer in the United States of America, I got yelled at, SEVERAL TIMES, by my mom.

"Buy something already! You won't get this opportunity in Canada!"
"Hurry up and pick something!"
"Be more decisive!"

I mean, being forced to buy something is bad enough. I can't handle when someone yells at me. I just can't handle it. I can only hold tears in for so long. emo


It seems everyone wants me to be like my sister. Her confidence in everything shines brightly. She's confident in her style, in her looks, in her metabolism, in her grades, in her stupidity, in her intelligence, in her everything.

And my parents love that. They know how to make her happy, and they love that.

My parents act as though they hardly know me. It hurts right here → heart

But don't I sound spoiled already? How it seems that no one satisfies me? How my pickiness is so.. despicable?

"But sir, no one can ripen a spoiled egg."

Well, that's that. Thanks for reading! And goodnight if it's night!