she sees me, but not as a ghost of a girl, not as a shell. but as a human. a poetic, clever, amazing, sweet, insightful human girl. with a soul. and if I recite this over and over, if I remember what she told me about fires and embers, if I save her text message...

    maybe I won't forget again so easily.

    I am weak. I have been weakened. I cannot rely upon knowing myself only through another's eyes, but that is the only time that I feel like I exist. not because I thrive upon attention, but because I so often feel... unreal. hollow. incorporeal.

    I hate being so moody and sensitive. my skin is made of paper. I am the sea. it's better than being a desert, though. a statue.

    anyway, though. the past day has been wonderful. Bryan and I spoke a lot, for the first time in forever. and I slept right through last night. woke early. Jer and I built a fire in our woods earlier this eve. it was so nice to lay down and look at the stars beside a roaring fire. I spoke to Danny about our fire, how I wished he could have been there. he came up with the idea of, when we finally get together again (it's very difficult since he lives all the way in New York now), we'll have a massive bonfire and throw in buckets of aqueous metal ions to watch it change colour. and I just thought of this... I should teach him about sugar wishes. it's something we used to do at camp. I'd like to pass it onto someone. not just anyone, of course.

    *melancholy sigh* I wish he hadn't moved. it's been five years since I've seen my best friend. my real one. the closest person to me who isn't related by blood. oh, the ideal life... our plan... me getting into Sarah Lawrence, us getting an apartment together. going on adventures again, like old times. making magic. talking about philosophy and metaphysics and our lives deep into the night. trespassing. lawbreaking. being cynics together. trading books. drinking a lot of tea. I remember the first time he ever came over to my house and saw our tea shelf. he appreciated it very much. maybe was even in awe, a little. I remember our argument that night about who would walk the other home. he wouldn't let me take him to his house and have to walk back alone. we compromised by my dropping him off at the entrance to Cedar Creek. we took forever saying goodbye. I remember the morning after, waking to fifteen or so missed calls from him making sure I got home okay walking one block at night on the Eastside.

    I love him. I miss my best friend.