I think a problem with me is that I relate to things in the oddest way.
I don't remember anything horrible happening to me in the past, but sometime in my childhood, I was made afraid and weak.
I'm not scared of many things. I do not fear death, or how I will die. I fear the living, and I fear life.
I used to like being alone, in darkness. I used to like mirrors and dolls. Whatever I found comfort in in the past scares me now.
My so-called "fears" are:
I'm scared how accurate the mirror is, and yet how so wrong it is. It doesn't move the same body part as you do, but people accept the reflection as true. What if there was someone else in the mirror, but not in reality? An object in the mirror and not in reality..? Both would scare me.
Darkness? I used to feel safe inside it. I used to feel that nothing can harm me in the darkness. In the darkness, I can make whatever I want. Now, I fear it. I fear that the darkness detaches me from the world, and that it pulls me away from what I hold dear. I fear that the darkness isn't somewhere where I can be safe because nothing harmful can be seen, but rather there are hazards hidden within the darkened room.
And isolation. I used to like being alone. Honestly, I still do. What I mean is I'm afraid of being left behind. I'm afraid of losing what I have now. I'm afraid that I'm too different sometimes. I feel that I can't depend on anyone, and no one can depend on me. I feel like a unnecessary addition to humankind. It hurts me everyday how I always point out how abnormal I can be.
I mean, if you're lucky enough to be different, why change? But thing is, no one accepts the difference.
I want to be the type of girl who is fearless, strong, and accepting; kind towards all pleasantries, and violent to those who deserve it. I want to be highly and smart. I want to be depended on, and be able to be reliable. I want, I want.
I'm scared that soon, I'll have nothing to want. I already don't want many materialistic things. What if I lose my mental wishes too? I'll become a living body with a dead soul.
That being said, I don't know why.
There must have been something that triggered these fears, something big, and something I don't seem to remember.
Lately, I've been having abnormal amount of "Deja Vu!"
I don't know. Maybe I'll discover something I once knew but know no more?
Anyways, I have to go.
Goodnights, and thanks for reading! 4laugh
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