I missed two or three entry days. I have no excuses.
Anyways, today was eh. Honestly, a bunch of things kept happening that had me raging inside.
And no. That was not a hormonal reference. sweatdrop
Last night, I, like, knocked out. I was sleeping at, like, 7:00pm. I was just so tired.
I woke up at 7:00am, on a Saturday. Saturdays are meant for sleeping! So I just stayed there in bed. My mom got up eventually. She came to wake me, and told me to do homework.
Two things wrong here. I don't like being waken when I'M ALREADY AWAKE. Yeah, I should have been out of bed, but there was no immediate reason to. I'm a person who likes relying on reason.
Another thing, homework. I hate homework. I'd rather stay at school another two hours if that meant I'd have no homework. Every time I'm reminded of homework, I get just THAT much less happy.
So the day plays out like any Saturday. All day, I'm thinking about my homework, not actually doing it though. Procrastination, some might say.
And then we go to church.
On the car ride there, I have the most intense thinking session.
I'm a person made of thoughts. I'm always thinking, always. My thinking entertains me. I teach myself through thoughts. I motivate myself, and degrade myself, and reflect upon myself in my thoughts. Always.
And somewhere while I was thinking, I fell asleep. Now, naturally, sleep gives the body rest. The correct amount of sleep should make you feel rested.
There I was, in the car, waking up. I'm tired, of course. I'm usually tired after I wake up.
And so Mass starts a few minutes after I enter the church. I was in, kind of, a daze.
I don't sleep-sleep in Mass. I rest, without actually sleeping.
So when someone tells me to wake up, I get bothered. I don't know if I'm the only one who could manage such a task or something, but I wasn't sleeping. I guess I could relate it to daydreaming. I listen to sounds in that state. I pay attention to the outside world without actually seeing it. I'm not sleeping. I'm in a state of blind observation, I could say.
And so when you wake me when I'm not sleeping, I'll be bothered by it.
Another tip, DON'T POKE ME. Don't touch anything that belongs to me. This includes not only my body, but my clothes, my hair, my work supplies, anything. I guess I'm a bit.. territorial? I don't know.
If someone pokes me while I'm sleeping or in a daze, I get seriously pissed off. I don't even know why. I just... UGH. *throws arms in the air* scream
And when two people poke me at once while I'm sleeping or in a daze, I'll be twice as pissed. And if it happens more than once, I'll be in this state where I exclude everything.
When I'm pissed off this much, I won't talk. I won't respond to anything. I'll just vent, quietly in my head.
See, the thing is, no one should be scared to piss me off. Truth is, I don't affect people around me.
I mean, I put off this extremely negative aura, but I don't hurt anyone intentionally.
Instead, I hurt myself. No, I'm not emo. emo I have this thing where, when I'm enraged, I obtain this huge amount of power. To calm down, I have to use that.
Now, at home, I was exercise. Vigorously. Until all my anger cools. Depending on how hateful I was feeling, I could exercise a lot, or just a bit.
Outside of home, I can't do that. Instead, I dig my nails into my skin, as deep as they go. And then I drag them along. Sometimes I end up ripping off skin. Other times, I end up giving myself blisters.
I don't mind.
I don't know about others, but when I'm depressed, I disconnect myself from the outside world. I don't feel any physical pain. I can see my skin peeling off, and I won't feel it until I calm down.
I don't go easy on myself. I think the more I'm hurting myself, the faster I can cool down. And normally, it seems that way.
I don't do it often because usually, my tolerance is pretty high. Though, when I snap..
I don't yell. I can yell, quite loudly actually, but I don't. Why? Because it looks stupid. Because it is stupid.
When people just yell, there are two things that can happen. You might say something that you truly thought, but didn't want other people to hear. That would be horrible. Or, you can spout nonsense that you'll regret saying later. Also pretty bad.
So when you yell, there's no guarantee you can control what you say. Your screams will be, without a doubt, louder than your thoughts. And you won't think. You'll only yell. That's that.
When I get mad, I'm silent. I'm silent because I'm having a venting session in my head. I get angry, angrier, and cool down.
I need time. As long as you give me time alone, I will get over it.
So note to friends, family, strangers I may meet on the street, don't piss me off. And if you do either by accident, or on purpose, just let me be for a bit.
Sorry for the mildly obscene-natured entry, by the way. I was just really mad today. But I calmed down.
Um, thanks for reading! I always appreciate an audience for my thoughts.
Written words can be edited, and improved. That's one of the reasons I like journals. I can't talk to people about these problems because I may end up saying something I don't mean. Or sometimes, people can hear incorrectly.
What is said can't be unsaid.
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