It has occurred to me that I've been off of Gaia for so long, I can pretty much put down whatever and have the same privacy as a diary blaugh well whatever, I still wouldn't put down anything too personal that I cared what people would think. xp but there is one thing on my mind that I really need to sort out and I don't want to bug anybody with such an annoying topic for something so small. Only, it's not small to me. In fact, it's something that's been troubling me.

So I mentioned Stephen before, right?? Well I finally seen him again yesterday and he was just as sweet, and kind, and thoughtful as ever. He's sincerely a nice guy. I even got lost and had no choice but to move forward until I found him to at least tell me where I was sweatdrop And after I told him to leave it to me, I knew exactly where I was going rolleyes should've known better there. After I knocked on his door and heard him to wait a second, I actually felt really nervous. Thoughts like 'what if this isn't the right time?' or 'maybe he wants to be alone and surprising him is a bad idea' came through my head. I had to think about why I came and remembered that I picked out my clothes ahead of time, did my hair and make-up to look cute and I wanted him to see me. Him! I didn't care what others thought, I just wanted to show him and have him smile at me and call me cute. Me! If you know me, then you know I don't care. Never in my life have I ever been truly serious about anyone enough to care what they thought of me. I've always looked at the guy, and bet with myself to see how long it'll take before they leave me for someone that puts out more easily. It happens, and I must admit I have trust issues and regretted every man I've ever been with (Grand total of 3 in all 25 years of my life)

It occurred to me that that has never happened with Stephen and never will. The way he lit up and hugged me in happy surprise, I knew that that was why I came. I like being able to make him that happy, and he's like a big teddy bear so I like cuddling.... Not that we ever have sweatdrop We only hug in greeting and leaving, which he thinks is normal for me. In fact, I relax so much around him and drop my guard, that you would think I'm a different person. He listens to me so eagerly and happily, I even talk to him about embarrassing moments or moments that most people would call me an idiot for. Guys always leave, or want to keep me at their place so they won't be embarrassed. But Stephen just encourages me with everything! He admits he wouldn't do most of the stupid things with me, but he agrees with the idea and would always be willing to help. Always! This is a man that likes me for me, and cares, and even took me out to eat at Wok Box. He wouldn't drop me off at the bus stop, but drove to the terminal to show me how to get to his place in the future without getting lost, and drove me all the way back to my friends place and wouldn't leave until he seen me go inside to make sure I was safe. Any girl who ends up with him will be one lucky girl.

I really do like him, but I know he doesn't like me like that and sees me as a really good friend. He mentioned he moved back because he wants to settle down, fall in love, get married, and have a family. He wants kids, and he's looking for it now. I know that no matter what happens, he'll eventually lose contact with me once he finds someone. I've seen it happen way to many times, even from him with his ex girlfriends! He's a nice guy, but for some reason he seems to always be attracted to crazy bit- women lol Insane female dogs that puts shame to the female gender. And besides, I don't know if I can even carry a child full term and it's not something I want to experience again if I can't. Plus, I'm planning on going to Florida. I told everyone it's only going to be for the summer, but I'm actually planning on living there for at least a few years. It's not like I have anything waiting for me here.

Until he finds that girl, I'm going to enjoy the time I have with him. He doesn't realize that I still have a crush on him, and I really don't want to see his face as it falls to confusion/panic, and then the sad look of pity in his eyes as he rejects me again. I know it was years ago, so long that I lost track of time of when, but it really hurt back then. I can't help but be scared of the same rejection if he knew, and have him stop being friends with me because I made it awkward. I feel ashamed for hoping he doesn't find anyone so we can spend more time together, but I will not do that. I want him to be happy with someone, he deserves happiness so if there's anything I could do to help, I'll do it. I've done this before, set up the person I like with someone else, but never have I ever felt sad about it before sad

So this is what it's like to wish that time would freeze??