Wow, it's been a while since I've been on Gaia blaugh First off, to all of my Gaia friends over the years who's reading this, I'll like you all to know that I did not forget about you. In fact, I would like to point out that some of my best memories and most memorial friends are people I associated with on Gaia. Even now as I reach my mid-twenties, the highlight of christmas season (and a bit of halloween) are the events I get to play on Gaia. I get to disappear from all my frustration and worries of life into this familiar world, if only for a few hours. I've actually been thinking about that a lot recently, but Gaia is one of the only things that left that feels like home to me. Now that my family are all older and going their separate ways; my childhood house sold away; and everything I own is coming up to it's 2-year anniversary (had to be replaced after my apartment burnt down), I don't feel a sense of attachment to much else anymore.
That's not to say I'm sad or miserable, because I am actually quite happy with how my life is turning out right now. Learn from your mistakes, as you well. I occurred to me recently though that I have MANY friends, and a lot of them must feel worried for me or even abandoned because we stopped talking, and I take a lot of the blame for that. I always found myself an out-going person who speaks her mind (sometimes too blunt), but that was never true. I speak what seems easiest to say, but closed myself off to the world. In fact, things that I should've spoken outloud I've kept to myself.
The fact of the matter is: I think I have a short attention span. sweatdrop It's not like I have ever left or ever forgotten my friends. When I meet new people, or even old ones from a while ago, I always speak about different experiences I've had with different friends, depending on what the topic is. Because that's all I really think is important, memories of fun times I've had with my friends. Although we don't talk all the time anymore, and might even see each other once every few years, I never do forget. It's just that I love to create new and different memories every day. And in doing so, my lifestyle always changes.
I did the math the other day, ever since I've moved out of the house I've grown up in 6 years ago, I've lived in 18 different locations. Yeah, my family always told me that I move too much, but I've come to think of that as them just being overprotective and paranoid. The way time works, days just seem to blur together for me. I'm always changing my location, my career, hobbies in search of finding some sort of purpose. There, I said it. I feel like I have no purpose. People say home is where the heart is, but I feel as though I'm still searching for my heart. Where is home? It's such an alien concept at this point that I sometimes have a hard time believing some of my old memories growing up are even real. The closest I felt to being at home is staying is hostels when I travel, and meet tons of really cool people who are in the same boat as I am: just wanting to find a place to belong. But until we do, we become each other's family for the brief amount of time we stay under the same roof.
I guess that goes without saying that someday, I really hope to settle down with a family of my own. A lot of people I know say that they wish they were like me, go out and travel and do whatever they want, but they have kids so they can't do that. But what's the point?? I would love to have someone who I can love with all my heart, and trust and believe them when they say they feel the same. A child that I can raise and watch grow up, and trying my best to keep a smile on their face while preparing them not to get stomped on or get their heart broken in the real world when they someday move out or away. It's funny how everybody wants what they don't have. But like I said before, it doesn't mean I'm not happy. I've learnt to find happiness in what I do, and trying to stay true to myself.
It also occurs to me recently that I don't actually have an address anymore, and haven't had one since last spring. xd I guess it was the big change after last winter. I was at my lowest last winter, REALLY bad!! What do you get when you have a homeless, sick, working 2 jobs, in the middle of winter, pregnant lady? In which, can't get a hold of the father who just disappeared to outrun the law?? Trust me, you don't wanna know. But I'll like to add, that at least I've learnt from my mistakes.
And what am I doing now?? Jumping from 2 people's places; going to University Philosophy courses; and taking cartooning art courses through NSCAD (Nova Scotia College of Art and Design, freaking awesome University
xd ). I'm actually feeling a lot happier recently, want to know why? Because all those wonderful memories I've made over the years, I can keep forever in my cartoon. All the crazy experiences that make us laugh in life, being immortalized forever in a simple comic. Even if I don't have children, or a close family right now, I'm still able to create life through my art. And knowing that I'm the only one can do it, or else it won't be the same or nobody else would even know all the greatness and truths that's still in this world? It makes me feels proud and happy inside. I believe that their's no better way to cheer someone up then through a good book. And being able to have visualizations like in a comic, just makes it that much easier to understand for any age group.
On a side note, I'm really excited about a particular someone xd My friend Stephen just moved back, and I'm psyched!! I met him at my first prom. I was in grade 10, he was a returning grad. Went to school with my brother actually, and everybody has nothing but positive things to say about him. Whenever we're together, we always have fun. We've actually known each other for 10 years, now that I think about it. But even though we always playfully flirted with each other, due to neither of us sitting still, it's not often when we're in the same area code.
I know that just because he's back, doesn't mean we'll get together. In fact, it'll never happen. But knowing that he's back, and he has an open door policy for visits, I'm determined to make him embarrassed somehow heart blaugh I've tried A LOT of different ways to make him embarrassed, to crack that shell of his, but he just laughs at me and my futile attempts. It actually started with one time when we took a trip into the city with each other. Not only was he not embarrassed running around in a long, blue, furry tail, but he wore it to work too!! Whenever I have a bad day, I can always rely on him to make me smile again. And I always thought he was cute. But he already told me that he use to feel the same, but those feelings he had for me are in the past now sad But like I said before, I'm just happy to be his friend blaugh He's one of the few people in my life that even though we only see each other once every couple years in person, we always just pick up where we left off as if no time has passed. I realize that I know nothing of his true life outside of our little happy world we created, but I can't wait to find out whee
I know I probably said it, or I think I said it and forgot to, but I hope I remembered to tell my special friends that I still think of them the most and as my best friends. Yes, I travel a lot. Yes, I make a lot of new friends wherever I go. Hell, it got up to the point where people I think I'm meeting for the first time actually know who I am and claim we've met a few times and are friends.... There's still a few people that I'm trying to remember for a while now that's making me frustrated that I don't. Maybe their from my alcoholic stage when I was in college attempt #1... stare BUT ANYWAYS!! .... I hope these people know how much it means to me that no matter how much time passes between us chilling together, we always have a blast and are still friends even after so long. It takes a special type of person to actually to stay friends with me, most times people get mad that I don't talk to them as often and don't want to even speak to me at all anymore, even if we bump into each other on the street. A good friend is hard to find, that's why I feel blessed to have a handful in which someday I'll be telling my child(ren?) about when I talk about 'the good old days....' at least, I hope I have at least one in the future sweatdrop but all I can do is move forward at this point, I try not to think about the future too far ahead of time, it freaks me out.
Thank-you for caring enough to read this, and I wish you the best of luck in your future dreams and goals heart
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