It seems that whenever I write an entry, its always negative. And I hate that I do that but in those moments when i'm typing...it helps. Writing is the only way I can express myself without consequences. Each word, dash, period; it saves me little by little. It allows me to harden my cracked shell while letting the pent up anything leak out just a tiny bit. I believe the term is "soothes the soul"? Which is exactly how I feel while I rant. Not that what I write is false. I keep an open mind when I can and especially when it comes to the people who upset me. In the back of my mind, I think "they're not terrible. They give me a home, they feed me, try to watch out for me when they can. It could be worse and i'm grateful". But i'm also selfish. I want simple things so hard that its been turned into a need. Cause for me, its not enough. I want hugs, pats, words of encouragement and recognition. I want to be a family. Sure we'll have each other's back if needed but that's loyalty and even then...my family doesn't have much of that. But whatever, the point of this journal wasn't for me to b***h. It was to point out that I do have positives in my life. And that at times...I have moments of complete happiness. I call it instant happy n___n
Despite how much they hurt me, my family CAN make me instant happy. Not always but sometimes. Just the random act of kindness that they do. I've said it before in previous journals, the people closest to me are the ones who unknowingly hurt me the most. So its only natural and safe to assume that those very same people can make me instant happy.
It could be anything really. Nothing too specific. Sometimes when its my turn to do a particular chore and if i'm sleeping, they do it for me. Or if i'm feeling particulary scared or nervous and I call them but hang up the last minute so I don't bother them with my silliness...they not only call back...but they come to me. Cause no matter how much I wave them off saying its nothing and that it was an accident, they always know. And i'm happy for that. Oh and there's times when for no reason at all...they just come and show their affection. Those days I treasure the most since it doesn't really happen often.
My friends make me instant happy. Not all mind you but the majority. Cause they get me in ways that others will never be able to. My three best friends...complete opposites yet my other halves as well...so odd yet perfect. Put the three together and you'd get me. Its...peaceful to know that. And they keep me grounded. Their not perfect and sure we disagree but that's the beauty of having best friends like mine...cause no matter how many times we may push buttons...the fact remains that by the end of the day or week, we're whole again. Instant happy. Cause i'm a hard women to befriend and an even harder one to keep...and they understand that. In a way, they accept that bout me. Cause as loyal as I am, i'm the kind of person that will stray from time to time. The one friend who will run off for a year or two without a word and then come back as if nothing happened at all. And those three...they know and accept that bout me. For that, i'll always be grateful to them and have their backs. The world be damned. I will end it if it ever tried to stop me n__n
My pet Princess makes me happy O__O
She's a bit odd and tends to do the opposite of what a dog should do but I love her. That pup is the only one that keeps me company when I'm down...not that she's a pup anymore lol She's all grown now...or more like she's older. She hasn't grown in years. Ah...but I love her. She's mine in every way and i'm most grateful for her existence. Princess is a saint. My little bundle of joy. And I sound silly but I can't help it. I adore that dog. More so then any pet i've ever had or will ever want.
So yeah...I love my peeps. As much as it hurts me, I do. And I don't care if the world knows or not...just want to have a say while I could and while I was in the mood. Not many people take the time to write how happy they are anyways...just wanted to submit something different. But yeah...till next time.
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