You know those times... when you know someone is avoiding you. Those times when you wanna say something... anything... but can't bring yourself to. I tell myself "If they don't wanna talk to me then fine. Whatever."... But I'm lying to myself...
It eats me up inside. It bothers me more than it should. But I've always been like this. Maybe it's some sort of weird jealousy. I want... people to like me. Especially the people... who I happen to like as well. I don't want to feel avoided... ostracized. It makes me feel... forgettable... and yet I rarely forget things. I have a good memory. I still remember the good times we've spent together... I'm just self-centered like that I guess.
I like people who make me feel special. Important... I know that's selfish and silly... but I like to feel appreciated. I like doing nice things for people. I like to see people happy. It's possibly my best trait. But I don't like being expected to do nice things. I don't want to feel like I'm being taken for granted...
Am I truly so meaningless to you that you'd wish to forget me?
Hmph, but I guess I am a hypocrite in this, just like everything about me. I've left behind my past before... All the good memories and bad... just starting over. And I don't want to stop moving on... not until I've found what I'm looking for.
I'm looking for love, and I feel lost. I feel like I may have gotten close to finding it before... but it slipped through my fingers... Where am I going?... I don't know anymore...
I'm always helping others. Always. How come no one ever tries to help me? No one is there for me. No one can look at me and tell how hurt and desperate I am. I'm always ALWAYS hiding it! Hiding it not from, but for other people! I'm a liar! And I'm tired of lying! I don't like lying! I wanna be honest! Honest to myself! I'm tired of trying to make other people happy! It's only hurting me!
*deep breathe* ...I... I don't think I ever... ever grew up... I'm still so self centered... scared... and lost... I just want someone to hold me. ...That's all I've ever wanted.
*sigh* I'm done... This really turned into a rant. The subject material about as consistent as an episode as Family Guy. I apologize in advance that you read this journal entry...
I wish... I wish when I finally open my heart in these journals, something other sadness and despair came out. I wish I could be as happy on the inside, as I am on the out. For you. Whoever you are... Because that's the sorta person I am. A two-faced liar, who never wants to hurt you. I want to make you happy... because it brings joy and relief to my heart somehow.
"Alone for a while I've been searching through the dark,
For traces of the love you left inside my lonely heart,
To weave by picking up the pieces that remain,
Melodies of life - love's lost refrain.
Our paths they did cross, though I cannot say just why.
We met, we laughed, we held on fast, and then we said goodbye.
And who'll hear the echoes of stories never told ?
Let them ring out loud till they unfold.
In my dearest memories, I see you reaching out to me.
Though you're gone, I still believe that you can call out my name.
A voice from the past, joining yours and mine.
Adding up the layers of harmony.
And so it goes, on and on.
Melodies of life,
To the sky beyond the flying birds - forever and beyond.
So far and away, see the birds as it flies by.
Gliding through the shadows of the clouds up in the sky.
I've laid my memories and dreams upon those wings.
Leave them now and see what tomorrow brings.
In your dearest memories, do you remember loving me ?
Was it fate that brought us close and now leave me behind ?
A voice from the past, joining yours and mine.
Adding up the layers of harmony.
And so it goes, on and on.
Melodies of life,
To the sky beyond the flying bird - forever and on."
~ Melodies of Life For traces of the love you left inside my lonely heart,
To weave by picking up the pieces that remain,
Melodies of life - love's lost refrain.
Our paths they did cross, though I cannot say just why.
We met, we laughed, we held on fast, and then we said goodbye.
And who'll hear the echoes of stories never told ?
Let them ring out loud till they unfold.
In my dearest memories, I see you reaching out to me.
Though you're gone, I still believe that you can call out my name.
A voice from the past, joining yours and mine.
Adding up the layers of harmony.
And so it goes, on and on.
Melodies of life,
To the sky beyond the flying birds - forever and beyond.
So far and away, see the birds as it flies by.
Gliding through the shadows of the clouds up in the sky.
I've laid my memories and dreams upon those wings.
Leave them now and see what tomorrow brings.
In your dearest memories, do you remember loving me ?
Was it fate that brought us close and now leave me behind ?
A voice from the past, joining yours and mine.
Adding up the layers of harmony.
And so it goes, on and on.
Melodies of life,
To the sky beyond the flying bird - forever and on."
I finally understand this song.
