I'm just soo frustrated! Like what do I have to do to make you happy? I try so hard...soo ******** hard to be whatever it is you need me to be and yet nothing I do goes notice. You take me for granted. You use me and leave me and you don't care that I'm losing my mind. You don't even ******** notice! I just...hate it. I'm never good enough. The one good kid you have and you don't even care. Its just unfair. I hate being the oldest. I hate being the only one to have rules that I must follow and if I break ANY of them, I'm the ******** up. Never mind the fact that I'm the only one who actually listens to what you try to say and teach. Forget the fact that without me your household would be NOTHING. Screw the thought that what I say and do is actually important.

Like ******** wonder I'm soo mentally ******** up. You don't take responsibility for s**t. And then you claim theirs no favorites but its ******** obvious that you favor the other three more then me. And I'm not ******** delusional. Bigger meal portions, more freedom, whatever the other wants. Well ******** much? What am I suppose to think when its right there? Like damn...could you at least pretend that you care. Like did I do anything to make you guys inwardly hate me? Did I do something along the way to earn such distrust? Like what did I do? Cause I don't think I deserve this kind of punishment. Like really? Did I piss someone seriously off in my last life or am I just that unlucky?

Like ******** I do ever seems right. And no one seems to care that I'm crying and angry and hurt and just all kinds of ******** up. Your suppose to be my parents...isn't it ingrain somewhere in your hard-drive that I'm hurting? Aren't you suppose to come in and sweep me in your arms and tell me that you love me? Weren't you the ones that were suppose to make all the pain go away and made sure the demons never got me? But you didn't. You aren't. And when I try to talk it out, you brush it aside. I'm called stupid. You say I'm childish. Tell me to grow up. Say not get angry. Tell me crying is for children while stating that I'm the oldest and I got examples to set. Don't I ******** know it. You've already carved that into my brain. Want it on my skin too? Or should I go deeper? Ribs maybe?

Like what the ********? I'm tired of trying. I'm just soo tired of you...them...everything. But I'm fighting. Cause I'd like to think there are things and people worth fighting for. I like to pretend that maybe one day I'll have the family I've always wanted. I wanna imagine that I'm not completely helpless. And that maybe just maybe...for once its okay to feel human. To be reminded that I don't always have to be strong. I wanna cry. Not alone when its dark or when I'm showering. Like openly cry. For once I just wanna cry and have someone hear me, see me, and just give me the ******** hug I deserve. Maybe with a ******** pat on the head saying "good job" or "its okay...your fine just the way you are". Is that really too much to ask for? Am I really being selfish by just wanting that one thing? Can't you just love me and let me know.

And if you can't...why don't you just stop messing with my head and tell me? Cause I'm tired of your guessing games. I'm sick of this unfair bullshit. I'm ******** your killing me with your lies. You bunch of unfair bullshitting pricks. I hate you guys. Your cruel. You fight dirty. And I can't do nothing. I am nothing compared to the others. And despite that...I love you guys. Your my Mami and Papi. You loved me for a little while. You show that you love me every once in awhile too. But over time you've changed. Your not the parents I remember. I don't know what I did to mess up but I did and I'm tired of saying sorry. Tired of showing you how sorry I am.

Like please...just cut me a break. Just forgive me already. I don't wanna fight with you anymore. I just want a hug. I want you to make it go away...all the pain. I want us to be a family and a real one. I want there to be no favorites. And I wish that for a day...you wouldn't remind me that I'm the oldest. I wish...I want...I hope...I pray. But in the end...all I get is nothing. Karma is a b***h...I hope whatever I did in my life before was worth all this.