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It's been awhile since I've done one of these. Not quite sure why I'm doing it now. Guess I just need to do a bit of writing or something.

I really do miss this place. Missed being able to log on and drift off into a more forgiving world, being able to choose who I wanted to be. Almost always chose to be the strong, silent type of character for some reason. Maybe because it was the opposite of who I was. Or maybe it was what I thought people would find more appealing for a character. Who knows? It is interesting, though, that at some point my characters changed to reflect more of who I was. They became more lively, happy people. They were approachable, kind, and funny. What caused the sudden change, I wonder. I'd like to think I realized that who I am, or was, made a good character. That the characteristics I possessed were interesting. Again, who knows. I have to admit, I did like them better.

I always wonder why I come on here anymore. What exactly is holding me here? My love of Rp? Sure, I still enjoy it from time to time. Occasionally, I get the sudden craving to be creative. However, finding something to actively unleash that creativity on has become rather difficult. Currently, I have an active(and I use that word loosely) Rp with some friends. However, as I stated it's fairly slow. Months have passed and we've barely filled three pages. I don't want to give up on writing. When I find the time and desire to do so, I enjoy it and do it very well. Hell, if I had the patience to do so I could've become a writer. Poem's and short stories were easier, however. Maybe that's why I liked to Rp so much. I didn't have to come up with all the ideas and was given breaks between each post instead of continuous writing. There was also the social aspect of it.

Maybe that's what keeps me coming back. My craving for social interactivity. I remember I use to be able to come here to simply chat, despite the fact I never had many friends. At least the ones I had were good friends. But now? No one really logs on anymore. About a third of the people on my friends list have actually logged on this here. The rest I have no real contact with. Maybe the occasion minute long conversation with one or two. Zomg was fun while it lasted. Wasn't exactly in depth, but I suppose I didn't entirely play it for the game play. Half the reason was to spend time with Aura. Perhaps that's why I keep coming back. Hell, I know half the things I did on this game were because or for her.

All I use to do was Rp. Didn't use the site for anything else. Once I had an outfit I liked gold didn't matter to me. Aura got me into some of the other aspects. I honestly still don't remember how exactly we met. Somehow managed to get into the same guild as her. Maybe one of the people in a random Barton Town Rp invited me? Can't seem to remember exactly. But, thanks to her I actually did some more around the site. Played some of the games for gold, looked up outfits and did what I could to get 'em. Zomg was pretty fun, but I have to admit that the gameplay was only half the reason I played it. For the most part, I just wanted to spend time with her. We got along really well and I was happy to be around her. Shouldn't be a surprise that we eventually dated. Last about two years. Was great, though I won't get into it. It's interesting that both of my serious relationships were through Gaia. Go figure. Anyways, the fact that we had been dating at the time may have driven me away from Gaia a bit. I no longer needed the site to communicate through her, though we still did log on from time to time to Rp or Zomg. Now that it has ended, however, there's little holding me here. We're trying to stay friends, can't say it's working out too well. We don't hate each other as far as I know, but the friendship we had before is obviously dead. There's very little communication and when there is, it's mainly from my end. She doesn't really seem to want to try and make it work, which is funny seeing how she's the one that made me promise that if our relationship didn't work that we'd stay friends. Whenever we talk she seems uninterested and appears to be waiting for me to leave. I'd be lying if I said it didn't suck, especially considering that the word doesn't nearly come close to expressing my feelings, but for her sake I choose not to.

All this leads me to wonder if the only reason I come back here is for her. But why would I do that? It's obvious there isn't anything there to chase. Maybe I'm just chasing the past. Maybe I'm just hoping that the next time I log in everything will be back to what it use to be. That when I log in my friends list won't be empty. When I log in I'll have a message or two. I'll have to reply to a few Rp's. There'll be a group on Zomg asking if I want to join a run. But, alas, I'm disappointed. Despite all my hope, my optimism continues to prove to be the cause of my pain.

Why am I so optimistic? I'm not sure if I had ever wondered about this. It was funny at the time considering how Aura was such a pessimist, but even without her I continue to see the brighter side of things, the good in people, and continue to give the benefit of the doubt. I'm probably just naive. That's been proven time and time again, especially at work. I refuse to go into that, however, as it's far too frustrating. Maybe it's because I know how terrible a place this world can be and I'm just trying to make up for it. But am I sacrificing myself for the sake of others or am I just being selfish? I'd prefer to think the former, but I'm not so sure. I've shown that my wants are very important to me.

I'm so tempted to vent about the feelings of my heart, but I never know if it's a good idea. It's in such a state of confusion that I really have no way to calm it. If I vent I just become overly emotional and have it on my mind for the rest of the day. If I choose to hold it in and ignore it, eventually it just bursts from me when even a single word is mentioned. In the end I'm left to wonder if it's worth it, however, as I've said, I don't wish to go into it. For my sake and for hers. As well as the fact that I'm suppose to be pondering my reasons for coming back to Gaia. But maybe it is related. Who am I to say it's not? But, for now, I'll leave that for another time.