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A Shout to Remember,
July 28, 2012, 2:30 AM
Homework accomplished.
- I kind of BSed my homework, but to be honest it isn't all that important, and it helps to skim through this stress management book weekly. I'm glad I got it accomplished on time, anyway. Beforehand, even. I've been waiting until the due date to do the homework because it helps to have a deadline, and getting it done that day feels like a good plan (right now, anyway because the work is just a simple response). I mean, I feel accomplished to have a schedule like this, and because the work isn't demanding, I'm not exactly procrastinating. It's just that it is easy enough for the due date to be the set date of when I do the work.

Now I need to begin to apply for jobs, hopefully online. I would really like to be a barista at B&N or BaM, because I love coffee, and I love books. What else could I ask for, right? I don't mind the idea of working at my local dollar store (it's closer and I could walk / ride my bike to work, and that would be good for me), or at the Kohl's down the street. Those are my hopeful jobs. I could also work for TCBY in the shopping village, or maybe even for the Library, though the Library usually has its positions filled for a long time.

I also need to call my family care physician to see about getting x-rays done on my foot. I fell down some stairs a week ago, or so, and I'm pretty sure that I fractured my fifth metatarsal. Unfortunately, when I went to the ER, the doctor said that they couldn't find anything on the x-rays. I did a bit of research online and found that sometimes it takes a week to two weeks for fractures to show up on x-rays anyway. I've noticed that the swelling has gone down immensely, and the muscles in my feet have relaxed quite a bit. At first, it was hard to move my toes because of the swelling and my tensed muscles, but now I can move my foot and my ankle rather freely. My whole left foot is bruised quite badly, and there is an intense, localized pain on my fifth metatarsal where the ligament connects to the bone. From my research, I've found that if my foot were to have been fractured because of the stress created by my fall down the stairs, it is an acute fracture, that does legitimately take about 2 weeks to be seen in an x-ray. If my foot is legitimately just sprained, I'm very confused, but I suppose it could happen. I'm not sure what exactly is wrong with my foot, though. It's hard to put weight on my foot, and I've been walking around in my little brother's boot (he broke his foot a year ago, conveniently enough, and my feet have stopped growing, so it fits me!), and icing my foot to keep the swelling down. I'm a tad worried about a lump on top of my fourth and fifth metatarsals, though. My tendon seems inflamed, but I can't tell. I'm really hoping that the fracture is miniscule (otherwise why wouldn't it have shown up on the first x-ray), and that it's not serious enough to need surgery or a cast.

Yesterday I went to the psychologist and had my appointment with Lisa. For whatever reason, yesterday was just a good, calm day. I remained relaxed and rather content all day. I woke up at around 7:45 am because my appointment was at 8:30 and I had to allow myself enough time to wake up, get ready, and drive about 10 minutes to the clinic. I got there on time, and it felt nice. I also brought notes with me to the meeting this time, which helped keep me on track, and made me feel better about what I was saying. Writing down some of my feelings, even in a summarized manner, helped substantially too. I felt as if my motivation was coming back, and like I could manage the stress that daily life creates. I felt as if I had made progress, and Lisa confirmed that. We both discussed how I'm taking my education slow right now, and how I can maintain my individuality within the bounds of staying at home, and keeping myself stress-managed. I'm proud of how I've handled myself for the past 48 hours or so. It's been hard, but it was worth it, and I've found out that keeping myself off of tumblr (and gaia, and facebook, and the internet in genera) has helped me out quite a bit as well. I'm learning to monitor my time spent using social media, technology, and things of that nature. I'm trying not to fall into the "Netflix trap" (or the TV/music/social justice traps), and I'm working toward progress and management of my emotions. I'm feeling rather good about the steps that I have taken. Especially my reawakening of Buddhism within myself.

I am a self-proclaimed buddhist. For a while after I got out of the hospital in February, I spent a lot of my time reading Buddhist texts and practicing meditation. For whatever reason, I fell out of that, and began to accumulate stress once more. I started reading again, meditating, and practicing mindfulness (instead of being negative and regressive), and it has helped me calm down exponentially. I've done a few things to help practice mindfulness like consciously write in my journal, breathing meditation, etc. I also practiced mindfulness as I painted my room, as I clean, and as I do every day tasks (eating, bathing, etc). It helps so much.

I want to do more simple arts and crafts projects. For example, crocheting used to help me quite a bit, but eventually it became too much for my wrist. My goal is to make one or two hats a month, or maybe one every two months. And maybe not a hat, but a scarf. I want to practice simple crochet skills with different yarns, and as I make more scarves and hats, I can pile them up in a basket and sell them during the fall and winter months. Yay for profit and self-sustainability via craft (I'm such a starving artist, ha). I would also like to paint more, because when I was painting I was releasing a lot of energy and thoughts into the paper and the paint, and it helped to soothe my heart and calm my mind. I would also like to read more. I want to learn, but I want to learn at my own pace, and about things I'm actually interested in. I want to study my spirituality and live the Buddhist lifestyle (to a certain extent; I don't know that I'm ready for the 10 precepts as a whole, yet). I just want to strive for success, but not in such a way that I will fail myself.

And the best part of this reflection is that I'm realizing that if I eat my life-pizza one piece of pepperoni at a time, I will finish my slice, and then the whole, in a good time frame, and I will be full, and I will be happy, and I will be content. And I'm in the process. And I'm good with that.

Positivity is key.

"A jug fills drop by drop." - Buddha

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