i dont write in this thing very often but i recently read one of my previous entries and i thought to myself as i was reading wow i really do sound like a debby downer. as i looked back on the old me i couldnt help but wonder who was i back then? it wasn't really all that shocking that i honestly didn't know the answer to that question. i will never understand how i allowed myself to live in so much negativity while i had so many pl who loved and cared for me. proud to say that im a completely changed person. its crazy how sickness can and will always bring out the best and worst in ppl. im just glad that i was already at my worst and that the cancer allowed me to see all the good i had. somtimes i wonder who i might still be if i hadnt have gotten sick? would i still be in my darkest places thinking im alone. would i still wonder why i was being punished all the while im the one punishing myself. its hard to look back on what i used to be on how i used to live how i used to act and certainly the hardest thing to look at is how i used to love. demanding love from everyone but never letting them in. i guess yu could say i was a real piece of work. dont get me wrong life still isn't all rainbows and butterflies (lol makes me wanna listen to maroon 5) but that life no matter how hard ppl try to make life perfect be it though food or money sex or even power at the end of the day its you who has to look in the mirror because if you cant stand who you see in a mirror for five seconds how can you possibly expect with others seeing you for who you really are for an entire lifetime. that what my whole outlook is about and im just happy i changed my reflection becuase for once in my life im finally happy about the girl who is looking back at me^_~
Nikkdaghost · Mon Jul 09, 2012 @ 01:05am · 0 Comments |