I've just finished reading my previous journal entries and I've come to several realizations about myself:
a. Lack of self confidence
b. Negativity
c. I often put myself down
I've never realized that I've been doing it for such a long time, but there are entries dating back to 2006. How do I gain confidence? How do I become someone how can believe in herself and conquer whatever troubles comes her way? I know I just need to push forward and fight hard. However, attacking blindly is almost the equivalent of not fighting at all. I want to become stronger and more confident, but I'll explain why I'm not and it's pitiful. I find myself to be very ugly, I always have and I know it to be true. It's due to my ideal of being perfect. I'm decently smart, but as a female the world expects a successful woman to be not only smart, but beautiful. The fact that I feel I can never reach the second goal has been whispering in my head since I was a young child. I could plastic surgery, but my family would be so sad. Yes I know I have to make decisions for me, but I imagine I wouldn't find much happiness in making my parents feel what they gave me wasn't enough.
I wish I could feel beautiful. However I know no one can make me feel this way about myself but me. I'm not stupid enough to believe someone or something will make me believe this. I just wish that I wasn't the way I am now. I wish I was beautiful on the inside and out, but often I feel and know I am neither. It makes me sad and the self pity is annoying because I should be working towards improving myself. Sulking does nothing and while crying relieves stress it will not change anything for me.
I just needed to get this off my chest and I'm glad I did. I think I'll turn in. I want to wake up tomorrow and push towards feeling/showing love towards myself, finding my inner confidence, and being more positive. Though the last one bugs me, being positive all the time is too fake for me. I would get sick of myself.
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Fayyette
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