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April 1, 2012
Ladies and Gentlemen, today sucks.
It does. And I can prove it.

I woke up to my ex (who stays here on weekends because of our daughter) cussing out and beating up my laptop next to my bed because it wasn't working the way he wanted it to.
So I stumbled out of bed and got into my clothes, went to the bathroom, grabbed a glass of milk, and went back to my room to make his graduation invitations for him, while holding the baby so she could nurse.

I got that done and pulled up a movie for us to watch. What does my ex do? Grills me with every question and comment about the movie he could think of as if I could answer every single one magically, and then got upset when I didn't know what they said in the movie because my hearing was cut off by his voice or my answer.

Finally! We're taking him home with one stop on the way there; it should be nice to get out of the house! I would like to be outside or with the animals, honestly, but still, out is out.
Nope. The stop to a family member of his never ends well for me. They all act like I carried the baby for them and I have no genes in there. Nah, everything about her is 100% from their gene-pool and of course, I don't know what she should be doing or even how to take steps forward with her like they do! And the aunt is so rude!!! Woman, don't you know how to smile?? To respond politely when we try to talk to you?? To not teach my infant cuss words or bounce her everywhere when she just ate??

So while we are there, I give her a bottle even though she only normally gets one (remember this fact) every 24-48 hours. Its a small place with no privacy, so I didn't see a way to nurse her.

We get to the right county and stop at a store to get the little one an Easter dress, and I look in vain for a nice one, and even explain to my ex what I am doing. He picked out two tank-top summer dresses that were cute but normal looking. Then he waits til we were outside to ask why I never commented on what we were looking for/getting. ............

We take my ex to his dad's apartment to discover its another bad situation (and she refused to nurse while we were there...bottle again...), so he just says to take him to the mall there and he will call a friend to pick him up. Okay. We get there, and my poor heart gets stomped on again.

I thought I had been doing so well! Not talking to or about him unless he over for visiting unless needed (after all, he ignores more than half of what I say); ignoring his compliments and very obvious moves on me when he is here; and making myself flirt with people other than him.
Apparently not. He opened the car door and was surrounded by four girls I guess he knew from school there, who were grinning, waving, and giggling. He starts smiling, closes the car door on me, and leaves without saying goodbye even. Oh, how I tried not to cry. I failed, obviously.

But a light at the end of this long tunnel! My best friend texts me and says she can come visit for a little while, and I said I would tell her when we get home.
It didn't work out...daughter was stressed from the long day, too, and screamed and cried for what seemed like forever. I told my friend some other time...

This crying and my ex leaving (he is the favorite at my house) made my mom get snappy with me.

Mom: She never cries like this!
Me: *stares at her because baby is a baby and they cry*
Mom: Maybe we should take her to the hospital!
Me: Why?
Mom: Because she doesn't cry like this!
Me: She is hungry! She normally eats every hour or so, and its been almost over two hours.
Mom: Let me get her a bottle!
Me: *annoyed because she suggests a bottle every feeding practically* No, I have missed too many feedings today, and nursing is faster than a bottle.
Mom: All I ever do is try to be nice to you and help you and you are so nasty to me... )':

What!? I thank you for everything you do, and when I try to help you, you get mad at me and don't want me to! I just told you what's going on with my daughter, why are you using angry and mocking tones with me and staring as I nurse her!?

Oh, and my biological mom just came in sobbing her eyes out that she is going to die. Why? Because she quit cold turkey with her smoking. Good for you for trying to stop, but get a patch, and don't just flat out quit! It would save you from going through this sickening withdrawing behavior all over the floor and couches (crying, fetal position, dry heaving, shaking, etc.)! Even cut out one a day for a week and then another the next if you have to! But no, after many years of AT LEAST one pack a day, lets just cut them all out at once.

So now, people are stomping all over the house fussing at each other, crying, and throwing bottles. What bottles you ask? My medicine bottles, so I am sure to be pulled into this again shortly.

Tomorrow I am going to see my counselor as usual, and I imagine nothing will be done to help me very well, since she focuses on communication issues. Teach that to my family -- I try to communicate all the time, and receive the silent treatment, yelling, guilt trips, and black mail.

PS...I can't move out yet because of money and transportation situations.


Mood: Bad.
Music: Porn Star Dancing.
Activity: Sitting here.

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