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BB's 'Hidden' Journal
My online record of mostly rantings and complaints.
So mum told noah and i the story of how the Cunninghams got their crest again. Cept now i can remember it biggrin
So back when Charles Stewart (Charles I of England) was put on the run on all by those rebels, one of our ancestors gave him shelter in the barn. I'll abridge it a bit, but anyways after it was safe for him to leave he gave the farmer that sheltered him a title. So before a second came to america in 1746 and the line from his brother died out, our family was the Earl of Glencairn up in southern Scotland. How awesome is that? Earl of scottish land. Shame I can't claim it. Way to many family members elder than myself to claim it.
Good awesome lineage talk over dessert pizzas :d

-sigh- it's hard being happy.
Oh yeah, happy st. Pat's day.

Lol just got a message Ginzo sent me that he finds it interesting how i seem to always be online. Lol yes it is. Unless i have something special to do the next day i go to bed at 3am. Normally fall asleep around 4 or 5 but i have to get up 7.30 for school. Then i take a nap from 11-2. Besides that, yeah i'm pretty much on, cuz unless i'm not wearing pockets, my itouch is always with me.
Speaking of bed, i should be getting there. Need to call it a night as i have to go with noah tomorrow. Did i mention i have to go with him everywhere now? I think i did, but just in case, recap:
Miranda is now my only 'irl' friend. She's moving to Mexico. Mum's afraid i'll be alone and is making go with noah everywhere hoping i make new ones.

There. Well we're going tomorrow at 2. 2v1 first match, CoD while our opponent preps for second match, then a ffa. I know noah and i'll win first match as we're playing the Bridge which basically makes my already rigged sniper abilities even more rigged. Dude thinks he's okay cuz he fielding jumppacks. News flash, i got snipers and skimmers. Pwnd. And then noah as melee crap and either shining spears or swooping hawks with can jump over the chasm. Either way, the dude was ******** to begin with. We were going to make 1st match an ffa too, but none of us wanted to rewrite our lists XD
I wonder what list he'll take as blood angels with 3k of pounts to use o.O i'm only using 1.3k and 300 of it went to a warhound as we're using Apoc rules. Doesn't matter. I slaughter 1k easy with 5 snipers. Now i'll have 12. And i know how to use my farseer so hopefully my snipers will be more effective. Hopefully they can catch his tanks before they unload. If not, well i'll have to bring my firedragons up early. Hmmm....my warhound is a melee advance titan. Guess he can guard my snipers. Hope 36" is enough to drop pie plates on them (fyi, pie plates is a joke for blast template. Basically explosion damage).
If you know anything about 40k and Apoc, you'll know that i'm fielding eldar yet i also have a warhound. Yes, we're allowing codex mixed lists. Which is good. Don't know what i'd do with 300 points. Probably give it to noah to field his wraithlord guard XD
A sniping wraithlord! Imagine! Sheesh.
I have figure out what to do for the ffa though. Ffa, i wont have noah to melee for me....i've never taken dark reapers so i can't rely on them to guard my snipers or farseer. I could take banshees or warp spiders....but my warp spiders are glass cannons. My banshees at least get two turns. Unfortunately my banshees two ranged weapons dont kill anything wheras warp spiders pick off a few heads on their way. Warp spiders, definitly run and shoot their way in, try not to enter melee. Banshees need to tank their way in, stay in melee. If they can lock a sergant or named hero in combat, then even better!!
I could surprise 'em both and go pure melee or even mech....but eldar mech dont do well against rhinos and they'll both have plenty of those. So firedragons are a must. Sadly only their exaurch has the range to take 'em out safely. I hate playing eldar....but i can't stand looking at other armies. I'm going to finish noise marines and/or dark eldar and play those instead >.> so much better. True dark eldar are glass arrows. But they're enchanted, posioned, explosive glass arrows.

Lol i've had this song stuck in my head all day
"Sex in the air, don't care, I love the smell of it.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me."
Lol so not helping.....ugh. Opened pandora's box. Right now, oddly enough, i'm focused on only one issue. Which isn't even an issue right now. I can do whatever the hell i want as long as it's in my head. Gods just thinking about it....bet there isn't meds for this. heh. Shame that. Lol maybe eating garlic will help. Morbid humor there -smh- sad. Next i'll be making bad stake/steak punns. Or mayble resort to juniper, eldar wands (the tree) and silver bullets. Not that any of that works. Well juniper works on a few things, just not that stuff.

I wish i could take more alieve. Sadly anymore and i'll be od-ing. Then again, if they'd help my wrist i wouldn't want it so much. Noah insisted on fighting me. He's a bit like Ulquiorra was with ichigo ya know wanting him to drop the sword and give up, lose hope? Well noah keeps fighting me trying to get me to surrender and submit. Heh. This alpha will submit to no one cept death herself! And i won eventually. But that fat a** ******** up my wrist pinning me on the stairs. Took ages slowly working my legs under me to shove off the stairs. Then he was toast >:} i have better stamina and better balance so slamming him against the fridge a couple times and he lost the strength to keep a hold of me. So i just kept slipping away. But DAMN my wrist hurts! Using a normal brace won't help this. I'm going to have to go buy a new medical brace and wear it for at least a month. And our trip is in two weeks. That b*****d. Were we animals, i woulda chased his a** out of the pack for losing such a challenge. But we're humans, so i just get to punish him over, and over. Eventually he'll learn his place. Not. He has not concept of respect, rank, or dominance. Why he gets in trouble for mouthing off. Just don't understand. So we'll be fighting untill he can't fight anymore. -sigh- oh well. I've done everything i can for that boy. He must figure the rest out himself. I gave him the map, but well, one must still walk their own path. Just have to hope he has the brains to follow the map when he decides to start walking....

Omg i'm so nervous. It's only one guy we're playing against.....still making my pulse race and my stomache turn. Hopefully, i don't have any hallucinations or mental breaks while i'm there.....hopefully i don't start shaking. I can keep my face even no prob, but i can't keep from shaking when i can't feel myself shaking. And my terrible CoD skills. Gods. Why must i love things i can't do or can't have?? Why can't i love sports or taken any of the boys that asked me out? Be.....normal. Lol normal's overrated. Though i've becomed pretty warped. Wish i was normal. No hallucinations, phobias, mental wars, fetishes, seriously s**t a** mood swings, i don't even care if i had to keep all the surgeries past and future! Really don't.
Ugh. Ok mind overload. Too many thoughts there. I've been down those roads before. Pointless revisiting them. Sure i coulda died a number of times, be paralized hips down, deaf, mute, whore who the hell cares! Past is the past and returning to what if's won't change what has already been cast. Unless i convince myself otherwise. But doing all that work to erase years of my life to fabricate a different outcome is....cheating.
I could go back and change that night if i wished. Maybe rewrite it so i wasn't afraid. Stupid! Shut up. You know it won't work. It'd take months of research to figure out the outcomes and even then....that's a majour part of your personality and certain a majour part of the rest developing. It's not worth losing everything just to erase a few fears......
But if i did change like that, would i care or even know what i lost?
Lol that's probably the only thing that's been keeping me from changing it. 
That's the only thing i can change though. That's the only thing that only i remember and no one can prove me wrong on so i can change it.
What'd be the point of changing it though?
I won't be afraid of people.
Maybe. But you'd also gain guilt. More placeless emotions that'd cause any idle moment to drive you insane. And without the people and your religion that you gained from that night, how would you resist suicide.
Always comes down to that. Any change i ever want to make whether to my future or my past, it always comes down to that.

Why am i even having this discussion? I know i'll never do anything so drastic (maybe mass emotion disassociation). Don't have the courage. And it's immoral.
It's late now....so much for an early night. Oh well. Prayers to whatever gods may hear that i sleep fully and dreamlessly. And maybe that i'll pass as normal tomorrow.

Think that'll work? Hmm. Maybe. Maybe not. Probably can't help with the dreams. They'll follow me into the day and become waking dreams like in that horror movie.
I'm going to have to break another promise. Right now, i could talk my way out of breaking it, but soon enough i'll break it and won't be able to talk my way around it.

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