The Epic of Gilgamesh: Tablet 1 (abridged for the modern reader)

To aid anyone who is having trouble remembering the Epic of Gilgamesh’s first tablet, I have written an abridged and more modern version.

Caution: We’ve got a bit of cursing.

Once upon a time there was this dude who lived out by the woods, and he got all of his food from killing little animals. One day, the animals stopped coming, and the guy was all, “What the ******** animals?” It turned out that there was this big, naked ******** in the woods who was stopping the animals from coming. Now, the farmer dude was all “******** no, I’m not even going near that crazy mother ********.” So he went into the nearby city to ask for help.

He went up to the king, Gilgamesh, and was all, “Yo Gilgamesh. There’s this crazy mother ******** out in the woods who wont let me hunt.” Then Gilgamesh was all, “Whaaaaat? That’s crazy! Here, take this prostitute.” So the hunter dude took the prostitute to the woods, and when the crazy mother ******** came back, he had sex with the prostitute for a straight week, day and night. After that, the prostitute was all, “Hey, you should stop being a crazy mother ******** and put on some clothes.” and the crazy mother ********, who’s name was Enkidu, was all “D’ohkay…” So they went back to the city and were normal, except that Enkidu wasn’t normal at all and could destroy buildings with his bare hands and s**t.

Enkidu worked and a human machine for a while, lifting stone monoliths and s**t. Then, one day the prostitute was all, “Dude, you sure can lift s**t. But you know who else can lift s**t? Gilgamesh.” And Enkidu was all, “Really?” and she was like, “Yeah man.” and he was all “I bet I could kick his a**.” So then, a few nights before his wedding, Gilgamesh was all, “******** this waiting for sex thing, I’m gonna go sleep with my goddess fiance.” But as he was leaving his house, Enkidu was all “Hold up Gilgamesh! I hear your’e a pretty tough guy.” And Gilgamesh was all, “Yeah, what of it?”d

So Enkidu was all, “I bet I can beat your a**.” and Gilgamesh was all “Come at me bro.” So then these two dudes wrestled in the streets, and the sheer power of their muscles moving destroyed the entire neighborhood. After probably days of wrestling, most likely having killed many innocents, Gilgamesh got the upper hand and threw Enkidu into a building. Enkidu crawled out of the wreckage and was all “You know what Gilgamesh, your’e a pretty cool guy.” Then Gilgamesh said “Hug it out b***h.” And then they became soul bros forever.