Gilgamesh: The World's First Slash Fic

The Epic of Gilgamesh is one of the earliest recorded works of literature in the history of forever. And if you can find something gayer then I will eat my hat.

A brief summary for those who aren’t familiar:
Gilgamesh is a demigod and the king of Uruk, which is this awesome city surrounded by a huge wall. He’s the Tony Stark of his age, fighting and f*cking anything that moves and his townspeople are getting pissed because they like their wives un-raped. The Gods decide to give Gilgamesh a playmate cause they figure he’s dicking around cause he’s retardedly bored. Enter Enkidu. Enkidu is this nature boy who can talk to animals and was created by the Gods to challenge Gilgamesh— they “wrestle” and Gilgamesh wins and they become BFFs. They go on a bunch of crazy adventures and fight a bunch of monsters and piss off some gods and SPOILER ALERT Enkidu dies. Gilgamesh writes down his story at the end of the epic and that’s why we read this in English class today because the true prize was literature etc. etc. Anyway.

Gilgamesh and Enkidu were the world’s first OTP. Their bro-bond transcends the realm of physical love by the virtue that Enkidu was created specifically for Gilgamesh and for Gilgamesh alone and therefore they are bound for eternity— they were the Dean and Cas of the 18th century (that’s BC, people). Before he actually meets Enkidu, Gilgamesh has a dream in which he discovers a companion is coming who he will, and I quote, “love as a woman.” Guess who that ends up being? Now we don’t know for sure how homosexuality was perceived in ancient Sumaria, so take that however you want. Just remember, Achilles and Patroclus were totes lovers (and cousins) and Alexander the Gay— I mean Great……..well, you get my point.
For all you Wincest fans out there, get this: before Gilgamesh and Enkidu journey to fight Humbaba (a bigass monster in a magic forest) they visit Gil’s mom, the goddess Ninsun and she adopts Enkidu along with doing some other important plot-related stuff (if you care you can read it almost anywhere online). So yay, it might not tickle your genetic fraternity kink, but there you go.
When they finally get to the forest they set up camp and hold hands atop a mountain and fall asleep. ’Nuff said.
A lot of stuff happens and they fight some monsters and piss off some gods and then suddenly Enkidu has a premonition about death out of nowhere and gets sick and dies. Gilgamesh mourns and has a citywide funeral and “[lays] a veil, as one veils the bride, over his friend. He began to rage like a lion, like lioness robbed of her whelps.” He could have buried him in any kind of way, any kind of manly, surly, warrior culture mannerism; but no. A veil. A bride. Gil laments like a woman, too, by tearing his clothes off and pulling his hair out all while wailing over the body (gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay).

In conclusion, Gilgamesh and Enkidu are the literary world’s first OTP and doomed romance, way way waaaaaaaay before Romeo and Juliet came along. They shared a bond that was fairly common in the warrior cultures of many ancient civilizations— one that is more than just friendship by the terms that we would define it today. It is an intense camaraderie that spawns out of a culture where everything is defined in terms of battle, and thus the attachment that two warriors feel towards one another after surviving through horrors and facing death together is naturally incredible. It is far above a mere physical relationship and since has no instinct rooted in reproduction, is probably one of the purest forms of love out there. So really, their love is legendary, and you get to learn about it in English class.

Peace out b*tches.