The woman I've desperately loved for two, almost three years is most likely dying.
There is swelling in her spinal cord, not the column but the cord, and the doctors have no clue what is happening except that an MRI of her brain shows unidentified abnormalities. She never has returned my feelings and never will, but when has hopelessness ever saved a body from their emotions?
My mentee and I are distraught to say the least, but neither of us can go to see her. I'm working two jobs and have the largest course load the institution will allow just to stay in school.
It seems like consistent history that whenever this woman promises to get closer to me in any way something horrible happens. The first time we were to be together in an intimate way her little sister got into a car wreck. The second time? Her father had a sever heart attack. After that it turned to atrocious accidents. We danced and I broke her nose?! We wrestled and I displaced a bone in her freaking neck?! How does this keep happening?! I've wondered if God has been trying to tell me something, if so much would have happened to her had I simply given her up and stayed away. It doesn't make a whole lot of logical sense but intuitively I feel like it could be my presence hurting her.
At the same time, I am immensely frustrated by how many promises o me she has made and broken. Not because I blame her for most of them, but because every time I trust her she winds up betraying that trust. Every time I go out on an emotional limb for this woman she is not there for me.
I'm terrified, I'm hurting, I'm hurting for /her/, and I'm being driven to drink out of a need for distraction.
Tsukamei Community Member 
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