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Pandora's Box [v.4: Paradoxical Tastes and Interests]
you're lucky if I remember that this exists.
Bad habit of updating only on DevArt.

I can't remember if I said anything about this in the last entry, and I don't feel like checking, but I hadn't been feeling well and went to see the campus doctor that day. I had been feeling nauseated, which hasn't been uncommon at all this month. I've not gone a week without feeling it. The doctor believes that it was stress related-- saying that because I was in a "caretaker" role for my mother, it's the primary cause. Which is true in retrospect, I guess. It's usually been when I start thinking about things that stress me out, or I feel like crying (ahahahahahaha I've set the record for crying this month alone, for me. And it hasn't even been three full weeks.) The other few [rare] times have been due to acid reflux and the fact that I have over the counter, knock-off Tums that are about as effect as eating chalk.
I've been having good days and less than good days because of this. It kind of really sucks. I'm also kind of still hungry right now, but I'm afraid of upchucking it. Plus, a whole packet of ramen noodles usually covers it. >_>;

I really hope my class in the afternoon is cancelled. I haven't been able to keep up with the assignments until the day that they're due or something. And I was trying not to do that this quarter, but I just get things that keep me deflated out of nowhere. I'm starting to dislike it a lot.

Last night, I got scared. I mean, I've been scared, which isn't an easy thing for me to admit to [but easier than crying or admitting to it, that's for sure], but there's no Pepto Bismal, I have no health insurance, my molar that I was supposed to get a root canal done on is starting to hurt again, I'm gonna be broker than sh*t if I have to pay for any health problems, and I may as well be home alone, despite the presence of an unwanted body. I have no one that I feel comfortable enough to cry to and have them tell me that everything's going to be okay while I'm afraid of vomiting because my body can't keep everything in. Those that I would cry to pretty much live in another time zone, or are not able to receive a call at the time that I start having these issues. I never have these issues so badly until I'm alone. I never have them until I have nothing to distract me. This is usually after ten pm.
I know it sounds kind of wrong to ask this, that it's like a cry for attention or ego stroking or something, but I had an idea last night, as I was writing to myself. I don't have many physical copies of letters of affirmation-- you know, people telling me that they love me and care and things will get better and stuff like that. Really, I don't. I only have one of these, and it's from a care package that was sent before the crash that happened in November. I can send my address in a note if you don't have it. And if you can't send a letter or something for whatever reason, then just a note or something will suffice and I'll just print it when I get home. It's just that handwritten notes usually have more meaning to them than a computer's font.

Oh, and I did I mention that my mom went into the hospital again? She had an infection that was the size of a baseball on her leg. I didn't find out about it until she called the ambulance. I haven't asked her about how it's gone, but she usually goes to sleep early and I don't want to call her when her husband can listen. I don't want to have to live in the same house as him. I don't want to ask him for any sort of help. Ever.

Just so you know, I do have good days. Like I said earlier, I have good days and not so good days. I usually try to lean towards the good days spectrum, just because positive thinking is better than negative at times like these. Yesterday was a good one. But when I decided to go to sleep at around midnight and I was alone with my thoughts, it started to suck.

Melody Hikari-Shinu Anson
Community Member
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