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oi vae
I don’t know why I let myself think about stuff that I know won’t happen.

Like a trip to Las Vegas for my 21st. The idea popped up when I let myself admit that I really wanted to do something SPECIAL for this upcoming birthday. My last one REALLY sucked. We got “evicted”, my mom took my dog and our birds to Delta for a week, and returned without them. I looked for help in our situation, only to be told I was lazy. I went out to dinner with my friends. That was it. Dad said we’d do something special when mom got back; when she did we ate fried chicken and watched a movie. We had no idea where we were going to be in a week, and we had no idea what it was we were going to do. We were all sick, and nothing seemed all right. Of course it all worked out. . . But. It still sucked. And the few before that weren’t really winners either. My 18th was great though <3 So. I do have that! :3

Any way. I wanted to make a big deal out of this birthday. Go to Vegas with the two women in this world that I love and respect the most, my mother and my sister. I feel like this is my last excuse to something stupid and lavish for my birthday. The last one I can justifiably do something extravagant for. And really, it would be the only one. I just. . . I don’t know why this is so important to me. And I feel like a spoiled brat for thinking like this. But, I can’t help it.

My sister agreed to it at first.
But. Chances are she’s backing out. Which I get – She can’t afford it, even if I go halvsies with her one everything. I understand it, I REALLY truly do. But that doesn’t change the fact that part of me is still hurt. That I let my imagination get the best of my hopes, in turn only to be met with disappointment. Again.

Last paycheck, I wanted to get clothes that were on sale and a haircut. As it turned out a three hundred dollar paycheck isn’t enough to do those things AS WELL AS pay your part of the rent, go out to eat for New Years after a week of hell, and get stuff like toilet paper and hygiene products.

I had a brief break down when I was trying to explain to my mother how all that made me feel. I don’t think she really gets why I feel like this, even though she’s trying really hard, and she really thinks she does. She keeps telling me I finally got a good job, and that I can finally get back up on my feet.
But. . .

I just realized that $9.36 an hour isn’t enough to get yourself on your feet when you have a starting point of $0.00 v-v I have no savings, and I have very few ways to ACTUALLY save. Maybe if I worked an actual FULL TIME/YEAR ROUND job that paid that, I could save and get on my feet. But. . . This job isn’t at all like that. I’ve considered getting another job. The thing with that is all of my shifts are either 10-6 (sometimes 8 ) or 12-9. I get one 8-5 every week. When business is down, it wouldn’t be hard to juggle those shifts with another job. However, I must stress that when business is up, it is WAY UP. During the week between Christmas and New Years, I worked seven days in a row. I worked a 12.5 shift, a 13.5 shift, ONE 8 hour shift, and four nine hour shifts. And, because of the way the pay period is I only got eight hours of overtime, when I in actuality I worked about 21 hours of overtime. During these times, there is no way in hell that I can work two jobs. There is no way during the few truly busy weeks in the season that I can tell one place to f*ck off while I work at the other. That would not only be a truly DICK move, but it would likely get me fired from one of the jobs.
I want to ask for a raise.
But with the way Christy talks about how we need to do all of this stuff to keep the budget low so that raises for any of us would be possible . . . Well, I know that there is no way I would get one.

I want to get this computer.
So I can write more, and work on my graphics. I want to get it because it’s a GOOD machine and it’s so pretty! I got myself all excited thinking about it. It would be faster than any other laptop I’ve had, and it would have way more room too. I want to apply for a payment plan.

I told my mom about tonight. Which was a mistake, because dad had put her in a bad mood. I was just so excited about it. Well, the first thing she did was remind me that I had an insurance payment this month rather than listening to me entirely. So rather than give me helpful advice, like I had hoped she would, she simply reminded me that once again I let myself think about something I shouldn’t have. . .

Then there is my trip to Ireland.
I want that more than most anything right now.
I want to go there, and finish something I started. I want to go there and prove to myself that YES I can do anything I want if I work for it.

But. . .

At this rate, I think that I’ll never really get there.

Sorry for my b*tching guys.

I think I post all my angst here because I know no one will respond. I know they’ll read it, and then forget it. At least, I hope that’s how it is. I need to get stuff off my chest, but I don’t want to make the people I love worry. All of this will pass, as everything does and I’ll get over it. I just need the chance to rant first.

User Comments: [1] [add]
z o m-bee-k a t
Community Member
commentCommented on: Mon Jan 30, 2012 @ 09:10am
I apparently need to stalk your stuff more often. I understand how you're feeling--I have the same feeling. It's awful and disappointing. It tears you apart on the inside and makes you feel like no matter what you do to try and improve your situation, you aren't going anywhere. If it makes you feel any better I did pretty much the same exact thing for my birthday that you did. Just went out to eat. It rained that day--I remember. I got a mouse flashdrive when all I really wanted was a real 2 dollar one. I got told that I could get one when I got a job--and still nothing.

You DESERVE to do something spectacular on your 21st birthday. I would fly to Las Vegas with you if I could. I'd go there and I'd party with you and do all kinds of crazy sh*t. You deserve to laugh and scream and let loose, even if just for a moment. You deserve it more than anyone I know. Don't you ever tell yourself you are wrong for wanting something. Or that you should feel bad for thinking you should have it. You SHOULD have it. You should want it. <3

It is incredibly hard starting from nothing. I, just like you, started with no savings. Hell, I didn't even get a bank account until I finally got my job. I've never had a debit card before then, nor any sort of money saved up besides my toothfairy money that my dad often took for cigarette money. Every paycheck I lose over half of it to Jamie. The rest goes to other expenses, with the occasional treat--though I feel guilty getting those. Every little bottle of nail polish, or stick of eyeliner makes me feel guilty. I struggle to keep 15o in my account, and often fall below that---even though my goal is supposed to be to save 5o dollars every month.

I think about Ireland a lot. I get upset over it, a lot. I feel like my dreams are being put on the back burner to someone else's. Jamie just bought himself a 15,ooo dollar car. Two days later, he's already buying things for it. And it makes me feel like such a small, insignificant person. All he talks about is his stupid car and it makes me angry. It makes me angry that I can't afford college. I can't get a haircut. I can't go see my family when I want to. I can't get new clothes or the things I want. And it pisses me off.

But, just know that we will get through it. We will make it to Ireland some day, even if that day is years from now. We will run through the meadows and prance through the trees. I know we will make it because we have a determination and passion for our dreams that most people don't have. We crave life, vivid, beautiful life because we know what is instore for us when we get there. That's why we have each other. We're here, by some universal gift to support, love, and understand one another unconditionally. I will always be there for you. I will always support you and your dreams and listen to the things you have to say. If you need to rant to me, you can whenever you want. You can rant and scream to me about whatever you want. I will always listen to you. I can give you advice to the best of my ability.

We will make it. If you look back to a year we are both doing so much better. We are still struggling---I still find myself in limbo. But we are growing every day. And we will make it through this. <3 Together.

User Comments: [1] [add]
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