"All I have missed I see in the reflection, passed me when I wasn't paying attention"
"Forgetting to breathe, I need to sleep, somebody slow me down"
I feel desperate, and desperately lonely. There is no obvious solution to the layers of social issues I was supposed to be working on in therapy these past six months. The firm I was referred to wouldn't take me and the struggles that ensued have left me with very little hope for my emotional future. I know that the longer I go without help the more permanent damage I incur, yet I also know that the guts and resources it would take for me to weasel my way into a different organization have left me for the moment.
Working two jobs as a full time student is hard. Doing so without any social support network or touchstones is almost more than I can bear. Trying to clean out the proverbial sores by leaking all over this anonymous journal is the best I can do right now. Hopefully things will change for the better soon.
My elder sibling and I agree that this past year has been the hardest yet for my little family. With mother still reeling from the loss of her own mother, the financial aspect of life in as dire straits as ever and many necessary but large expenses looming on the horizon it's a little difficult to be optimistic right now.
I just got off the phone with my long time excellent friend, we'll call this person R, and I became aware that there is not a one of the few people I call friends that hasn't in some way mocked my continued celibacy. It stings to know that they can and do open up to people in that way whenever they please. R takes lovers when they please and is not suffering for it at all. Both of the friends that I am in consistent contact with encourage me to branch out intimately with any chosen individual or group I have can access. Is that odd? Am I truly pathetic, truly twisted, for not being able to connect like that with anyone? Is it a fault of mine that no one wants me enough to do anything about it?
Was that a drama llama that just walked by or was it a misshapen reindeer?
I don't feel any significant improvement in my emotional state, but I had to try to get this out I suppose.
Wish me luck. Pray for me?
Tsukamei Community Member 
|
|
