existencial crisis? yeah thats a good way to discribe the way I feel right now... I want so bad to belive that there is a God, and he is the way I see him, but its so hard for me to comprehend which in turn makes it hard for me to belive it. and I

this is just some stuff that my mind is throwing up right now. I kinda want to put it up here so that I can look back and maybe find something in it at a later time.

worry that my shakey faith isn't strong enough to count... and that scares me even more that I would like to admit. if there is a God out there, which I really really want to belive that there is, then am I good enough to be called his? nope. not at all. I'm really flawed, and its so hard for me to belive that he could love me the way that I am, even though the bible tells me that is exactly what he does. I know I can't understand, or even begin to see the whole picture. but I want to, because thats just who I am, I am someone who wants to see things, and understand. but I can't, and that makes it hard. I am just a tiny person in a world of many many people. spinning in the middle of a vastness that i can't even pretend I can imagine. so why would I matter to the creator of all of that? I can't imgine that I do... yet that is what I want to belive. in the bible it says we should have faith like that of a child. well being a child is something that has come easy to me. but having faith like a child, not so much. as a child, I know. I don't think, I just know. and it makes it so much easier. as I have gotten older though I think more, I see things from different agles, and that changes everything. as a child, a circle was a circle, but now a circle is just one side of a bigger picture that I may not see all of. so even though I want to have faith like a child, I sometimes don't know how to.

I find myself thinking too much, I think to the point that I upset myself. I think about how insigificant I am, yet I don't FEEL insignificant! I feel like my world is huge and yet what I know as huge is still not that big in the grand sceme of things. and it scares me. I think about things to the point of tears sometimes. things like how I will one day sese to be. my body will no long exsist, i will have turned back into dust. soild for some other living thing to feed upon. and I wonder, will I know it? or will everything just stop for me? is there a heaven? goodness knows I belive that there is. but what if there isn't? will I just stop being here? my train of life derailed? and sure humanity may go on for hundereds, even thousands of years past when I sese to be, but at some point it will stop being, my race will no longer exsist at all. and if by some mirical some part of my life is remebered untill then, it will then stop being when those people do. so there really is nothing I can do that will last forever... and that hurts so much. and it scares me. really really badly.