I suppose this needs to be taken care of -- I'm doing what I can to wrap things up now that I actually have the time to do so, which means I had to trudge through the waste that is my journal here on Gaia.

I was hoping I wasn't as bad as I was in the past, in fact I was hoping that I kept a lid on certain subjects, only to find that my view of hiding my true colors was nothing more than me throwing my emotions and opinions out into the world, and getting violent when it came to someone suggesting otherwise.

Its unfortunate that it happened, but still - I wouldn't really trade the knowledge of this for the world. It is refreshing really - to realize that my past is so open, I could easily tell the type of person I was, and knowing of my past habits, its no surprise that no one wanted to be around me back then.

To clarify on the 'past habits' bit, I used to loathe taking showers, even now I'm having troubles remembering to take a shower on a semi-daily basis (unless I get out of my room, I don't like taking a shower daily - these days it is because of necessity; we don't have the money for the soap most of the time, we only recently got real shampoo), deodorant was an optional luxury that I often forgo-ed, and as much as I wanted to be a beautiful woman, I never once brushed my own hair ... or teeth.

Most of these habits have since changed for the better, and those that have not are still being worked on. However this still does not wrap up my emotions issue I had to deal with as a growing woman.

As the journals progressed, I became ever vicious, I would refuse to apologize for my actions, I would demand love and attention through less than subtle ways (such as saying 'I feel bad for this' or 'I'm a horrible person'). These days I'm hoping I've grown, yet the only way for me to identify this is to 'reset' my journal, meaning that I will be updating this journal once again, and in a years time I should be able to start to see something of my current (as of writing this entry) personality.

To explain my personality without simply stating 'I was a blind teenager' is that I do have minor depression, as stated in a comment I made to my own journal just minutes ago.

Kisto
Hey,
To anyone that's been going through my journal and has gotten this far without raging or giving up, I commend you.

Seriously, when writing these journals I was openly hostile, vicious, and cruel, things that I do my best not to be these days.

I'm leaving these posts up however because it tells me of my own checkered past, and as much as I dislike it, I know that I need to remember what vile creature I used to be.

The reason why my emotions in these journals are back and forth along the lines of depressed, angry, happy and sarcastic are because I held no control over my emotions, and never once realized that it was destroying every opportunity in life I have ever been given.

It did not help that I have had for what seems like quite a while, at least minor depression. I'd rather not capitalize it, just as a symbolic salute to myself that it has gone from a major issue in my life, to an occasional outburst of pain.

I suppose I should post a wrap-up of my past in one journal, I hope I remember to do so.


http://www.gaiaonline.com/journal/?mode=comment&action=load-add&post_id=3794355&u=1429603

Here is an update on myself however - this journal is tailored around my personality and my accomplishments, I might as well keep it that way..

I have graduated from college with a bachelors degree, I'm looking for a job currently. The work necessary for my major is quite elusive, although I have opened my prospective job locations to the entire world (I won't be going to any of the middle-eastern states that we are currently at war with, although I have received an offer from an airlines company.)

My artistic endeavors have not really given me anything of note, simply one commission that I'm working hard on, but am unsure of what to do with it. However, it has lead to me completing a large project, oddly enough. Program Nacan -- I can't explain anything in the journal as it is not posted, but what I can say is that it is stellar, and the men working with me on it are magnificent, their patience with me knows no bounds.

I was forced to revoke the 'best friend' (my how that holds any status outside of the school environment) status with someone that was once close to me. I have since gained a new close friend, who helped me grow as an individual since we first met. I have no idea how she tolerated me, but I appreciate everything she has done for me. I'm unsure if it was a good idea, but I began speaking with the revokee a few weeks ago, off and on, especially since I'm not online as often these days. I don't believe it would be a good idea to return her status, but knowing where my past is, and how it influenced me to this day is quite refreshing.

I suppose I have stated everything, I'm sure if I missed something I'll leave myself a comment, if not then I look forward to this next year of journal entries -- I intend on living as though I will die tomorrow, meaning there is no tomorrow in my eyes. Perhaps I can alleviate myself of this persisting procrastination problem of mine.