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I lift the blade and stare at it's perfection. It's shiny. The blade well kept. It has never tasted flesh....never be tarnished with the blackness of human blood. It's time to change that. It comes down....i feel it...scaping, piercing, cutting, slicing, down the legnth of my arm. the hate pouring onto it, ruining it's gleam. Time for the second part. In a matter of seconds, the deed is done. the blade now sits there, blackened and ruined in the hatred.

I feel every second. My eyes weep, my head goes dizzy, my knees give in and falter, crashing me into the ground. I stare now at my handiwork, and a smile crosses my lips. Are you happy now? now that you drove me to this? i lay there cursing your name, and yet thinking only of you. Why? Why do you taunt my mind? Why are you all that i think of in my last moments?

I finally get the peice i desire as my mind drifts towards other thoughts. What happens to me next? Am i truly dammed to a firey hell? would the Mourning Star let me trade my life for yours? Would he really delight in the eternal torture of an already tortured shell of a man? Why not give him something else? Why not let him have you? you are what he breeds....feeds.... off of, yet i am what he plays with.

What if i am spared such a fate? What happens to me then? Do i go back to be someone else? am i spared from torture by ending myself? would that be good fortune? would it be worthwhile then to have done this?

i continue to stare out at the ground, blood and tears and hated and pain mix together ont he floor below me.....yet i keep staring....my mind does not leave, my soul still remains. my pain has leaked clean, but i still sit here. how? why? why isn't any of this over?

i sit up, and for the first time, i smile. the pain is gone. left on the floor. everything is left there. am i still the shell i was? if so then why do i feel whole after letting so much leave? everything that once was me now lies in that pool. i should not be here....and yet i am. my body still lives, my mind still thinks, my heart still beats....my heart....it doesn't. it does not beat in my chest. i silenced it. at long last i silenced it. the ******** beating that held my feelings for you...held my love....it finally stopped. that is why my pain is gone.

a smile crosses my blood soaked face as i lean down and pick up the tarnished knife, pressing it against my face. i still feel it's cool surface...but i also hear something...it cries out.....the blade now cried my heart's desires. and i will oblige it....i will give it you. i smile again and walk out the door, looking only for you. i already lost everything......now i am free to do it. and you will be the first......


damn that felt good to get out. there is no point to this blog at all, other than to find a good way to vent the anger breeding in me. Don't ask me if I'm suicidal, because I'm not.