Tonights the night... have you heard that line before? if you have you are porbably a fan of Dexter, and there is a song about it by the band Divided by friday which i just discovered and its pretty amazing. I bring this up now because the song and Dexter has a whole just speaks to me sooo much. I dont know what it is, the lost connection to people, the dark passenger itself, or maybe i just am going to end up being a seerial killer? lol, who knows but it gets to me, right down to my core. And of course it does not help that i have Amanda... who is so amazing, and so like me in ways and i have no idea how to proceed. I need someone like her in my life, even if it is just a friend. I think, for some strange reason, that i am not meant to be with anymore.. i am not meant to fall in love, so whatever these mixed feeling i have about her, i guess i just have to keep her at arms length; just like the world. I think its sad for someone to be thinking that but i think its true.. i dont see me getting anywhere in live and to be honest i dont want to let anyone in to who i really am. I dont know why. I feel like if they get to know me, the real me, that they will run. The problem is that i really have nothing to hide... or do i? Perhaps i have something deep down that i always knew was there and i have i know it, just dont want to come to terms with it. "i just want to be ripped apart and reassembeld, i fear the dark because it resembles me. Completly empty" those are some of the lyrics, and it feels so ---- me. Sometimes i think i belongs in the shadows because that were i am most of my life. But who know, maybe i just need someone to pull me out...

On another note. im going to start writing these in a real jorunal... lol i know i do this offten and keep going back to this one but hopefully this time will be different? lol. till next time.