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[/ presses hand to my heart] It's hard to explain the songs I choose.

Now I feel like what I wanted to say this morning is lost. I had totally said the words to myself in my head, just like they were so natural. "I love you but I've got to go to sleep early tonight" Just like that in my head, I had let go.

My defenses feel back up.

[/ rolls around] Makes me a little sad but I'm okay. owo I have worse things to worry about today.

My class schedule for the semester is as follows:
CLAS 360 [01]-Greek and Roman Mythology MWF 1210-1300 (HUM 408 J WONDER)
*DAI 323 [01]-Visual Design Literacy TH 1900-2145 (FA 193 J VEEDER)
*DAI 356 [01]-A History of Design and Technology T 1900-2145 (FA 193 H CHU)
WGS 160 [02]-Gender, Politics, and Citizenship MWF 0910-1000 (HUM 133 C Keegan)

* are for my major. I've got to retake History of Design and Technology cause I didn't do the final stuff last time. I got really caught up with things and gave up.

The citizen one would be the last of my GE that I need. The mythology class is just for fun. I love English classes and myth ones are the most fun typically. Last semester I had a lot of fun, but again didn't do the final so I didn't pass. I had a lot of trouble near the end of the year. I was boxing myself up.

[/ sigh] I think I figured out how to explain the songs. It's like, disgusting cause I hate being so weak. I never really wanted to fall in love but here I am, falling faster. It has pulled me in so fast... I've begun to want it, to dream of it. It's just weird to think I was so fierce before and now I'm falling. I just let go. Bah, it's very irritating sometimes. Especially cause I don't feel like I know you that well.

Bleh, it's not really a bad thing... it's just me resisting change. It's a good change. I don't think you can really see it cause you haven't known me that long and we're not together in person. I smile a lot more and I've been nicer. I've been letting you in, which is really difficult for me these days. I've shared fears and things of my past that I haven't wanted to work through. Haha, I put my therapist last semester through such hell. He got pissed at me on so many occasions because I wouldn't share. But, I share fine with you owo"

You know what word I still don't like? Fine. I hate when people say they are fine or things will be fine. It's a secret little thing from the Italian Job, a movie. I totally took it to heart even though it's such a small thing. Fine = Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional. Very bad. Fine is never good.

[/ rolls around] Talking to Dakuo so much about things makes me eager to tell Firefly everything. I want her to know me just like him, only... I suppose not on the lovey side or trying to help me <3 My past is my past and I know that. I try to say they don't bother me now but they do. I can admit Axel isn't he only ghost who haunts me.

If we're a fairytale, I want you to defeat him. Save me from myself and defeat my dragon, Axel. He likes you. It pisses me the ******** off. I don't actively talk to Axel or call upon him... everyday. But I do indulge in thinking about him and what we were or how he feels. I admit my weakness. He's a big dragon and to defeat him the wrong way will lose my heart. Try to kill him without my approval I will stab you. I won't ever let you close again. Axel has been guarding me for so many years that really, we're close. That's like killing my brother and never asking how I would feel about it or how to do it in a manner that's dignified. You know how you kill him slowly and less dramatically, the way I would like, you win me over with romantic gestures. Love notes and keys and glass jars. Little things. And the big finishing move- a locket. Nothing inside of course. Just, you love. You can't see it, but it'll be there. And I'd wear it everyday. With your love touching above my heart, I'll always feel warm. I'll be reminded of how you saved me. Yes, a locket is the finishing blow. But you can't just skip the steps and go right to the end. Fairytales aren't like that! They always have a climax and some kind of build up. Yes, the hero falls in love but then something happens to his love and he has to rescue her. If he here to just stroll in there it wouldn't be interesting. No no, the hero must face a task or some kind of barrier so he has to prove his love. Then he fights the baddie - wins and rescues his love. From there we all think it's happy ever after. I can believe that... with you (maybe).

[/ rolls around] Yea, being stupidly romantic today. I hate being so girly >.> But it's just another side of me, no? Every side needs to learn to be loved. I at the very least have learned to express it instead of suppressing it.

I think yesterday I got really down because I relived the death of the twelve again. [/ sigh] That really was terrible. I think about my last group of girls and think they might still be hanging around a little... or I'm integrating them into myself. I feel like parts of what I've done represent them completely. It's ...strange. Like Deja vu. I can't bring them back. Can't bring any of them back, not even Axel. They're all dead.

I thought of a good story. The title: Me, My Love, and Her Love. hrm hrm hrm. Not sure what I want to do with it yet. I've just got ideas how to draw it. It's odd...