Okay, I'm sick, and this will be riddled with typos that I will almost certainly never bother correcting. I don't care. I want to talk about this.

This is going to be about the first time I had my period. If that seems disgusting, well ******** you. This isn't going to be educational or inspirational or whatever, it's just me babbling about what really should have been traumatic, and which certainly scared the ******** out of me at the time.

When my mom tried to talk to me about sex and stuff, she was possibly drunk, brought a friend for moral support, and did a terrible job anyway. I knew how babies were made and all that (for some reason I had an anatomy book for kids, well, like preteens, not 9 year olds, and I read it all the time because I was a weirdo) and told my mom so, and that she should just go away. She did. However, the book didn't talk about really important stuff like STDs or birth control, or not so important stuff like where your nose goes with you kiss, or, here's the one that really mattered pertaining to this post, the fact that women bleed from their vaginas. I had no idea about that.

So one day, at 9 years old (this is after my mom attempted to talk to me and didn't bring this up at all) I go to the bathroom and there's... stuff... on my undies. With my stupid child-logic, I concluded that maybe I'd s**t my pants and not noticed. No, I wasn't shitting my pants at that age, but WHAT THE ******** ELSE COULD IT BE?!? This wasn't red, it was the brown non-blood stuff that comes out (See guys? You're LEARNING!). I threw away my underwear out of shame and got another pair. It happened again, only WORSE. So now I'm terrified and I throw out another pair. The next pair ended up drenched in what was obviously blood, so I freaked the ******** out and called my mom (or maybe my dad, I don't remember) crying and thinking I was dying. I had drenched 3 pairs of underwear in blood and what I thought was poo, and I had no idea why. My first sex ed class wouldn't be until next year. Confusion, confusion everywhere.

Luckily, a female friend of someone we lived with realized what was happening and gave me a pad, then took me to the store to buy some. Wearing a pad for the first time feels like wearing a diaper, and I'm pretty sure I was walking bow-legged (which likely looked even weirder because I'm knock-kneed).

And kids are hitting puberty earlier and earlier. My daughter might be bleeding from the crotch by the time she's 5. So I have to tell her about all this when she's way too young to understand any of it, and I won't let my kid think that you actually start bleeding from the crotch, rather than storing up baby-nutrients in your uterus for 3 weeks and then discarding it because you haven't gotten knocked up, so I'll have charts and I'll be using a ton of words that make no sense to her.

Oh, and cramps. ******** cramps.