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~Life in a dark world.~
This journal speaks of my life and my life today. How I come to be and why I am what I am.
My life thus far..RANT
So right now I live in AZ with my bf and my best friend with her hubby at their house. Life isn't a piece of cake and starting out is rough.. Its been 2 months since we moved down here and my bf got a job but unfortunately he only gets 5-6 hours a week which doesn't really give us the money to get our own place and we have to watch what we spend on. Mostly it goes to gas. We have to find our own place soon or I just don't know what we are going to do.
Our two options are: 1. Get a loan from my folks (which isn't the easiest because... I guess they are tight on money... They have to replace the engine in their 4th car...... Yeah my parents buy toys and they sometimes forget their daughter needs help. They help their son out all the time but when it comes to the daughter they give me the look every time I ask for help. But this rant will go into another paragraph.
2. Ask form money from my folks to get out of AZ and back home.
3. Welcome to the poor house/ streets. Not that my friends want us to move to the streets but I really don't want to cause trouble with them and their landlord. I guess its a law that people can't stay at another person's rented house longer than 1 month. In our case the landlord gave us 2 months to find a job and get a place of our own.

I just don't know what to do. I have to get a job. I have to find a place but its so hard right now. Sometimes I wonder if I'm trying hard enough. My bf says that we haven't really been trying hard enough but I have... At least in the beginning I was. I turned in application to almost every store in this one shopping distract and did follow ups. I did follow ups at Petco, PetSmart, Cross Country.. They've all refused me or said they were not hiring any more. I just don't know what to do. I turned in apps at Wal-mart, Frys and even the dollar store.. I just don't know how we are going to do this. I just don't know how I'm going to get a job when I don't have a lot of experience and it seems like when they look at my application they turn it down.
Gahhh!! gonk crying

The story with my folks is that they have been splitting up and getting back together since the beginning of the year. Mom gets an apartment then she wants to get back with my father then she goes back to the apartment then back again and again and again. My father goes out and buys a new car then complains to me that they don't have money because they have to pay for bills and fix up the house to sell.....-.-... Then he turns around and gives my little brother $2k for a worthless school in which he just plays at. Sorry but BYU is not a real school. He was going to drop out this term in order to go on his mission but the parents told him not to do that. So he didn't do it. He can't afford this school and he refuses to go to a regular college because, and I quote, "I can't stand to be around non-Mormons any more." Well you little s*** your family isn't Mormons so you can't be around us any more? He has it in his stupid little mind that he is better than everyone and that he is God's greatest gift to the world. AND he keeps getting girlfriends and asking them to marry him. What... the... f***? They say yes. He gives them a ring and then for a little while they say they just want to be friends... Umm.. Okey my little brother.. you known the girl for a few weeks then ask her to merry you? What ever.... Just get laid because that is all you want but you think it is a sin.... I hate religion....
But anyways.. My parents didn't help us make it down to AZ.. My mom gave me $100 and my father just said bye... Thanks a lot. We got $500 from my BF's mother (she really doesn't have a lot of money to give but we really thanked her for it. She was saving it for my bf to pay off his college.) Now my folks are not the richest but they are middle class. And I don't mean to hate them, I don't hate them. They are my folks and I love them but at times I feel that they really screwed me over when growing up. I never learned to read or write until I went to Kindergarten. When I first thought of it I thought it was a big deal but then I look at these people who are teaching their kids to read a write when they are 2 and the kids end up being a hell of a lot smarter then me. My friend's hubby's nephew is 10 years old and he does math a whole lot better then me. I was neglected as a child. I was not fed the knowledge that I needed growing up. My mother even told me that she was surprised that I needed to know how to write my name and tie my shoes when I entered kindergarten. What do you think woman?!!! I didn't even know how to count! Or know how to do my ABC's! Then when I was growing up I didn't get the nutrition I needed when I was a kid... I'm fat. I admit this. Its not that they didn't feed me its just they didn't feed me anything healthy. Yay for mac and cheese. Chips for lunch. Lack of fruits a veggies and don't forget the biggest bowl of ice cream after dinner or even 2 times a day. Now you may be thinking "Who's fault is that for eating that? You could have not eaten any of this." Just think now. Your 10 years old. The only thing you like to think about is friends, food (no matter what it is), toys and fun. When your a kid you don't think of your health. No you leave that up to your folks. I found that the only time I though of my health was when it was to late. When I hit 13-15 years old and found out that I was obese. Now I'm not trying to paint a picture of me sitting in a chair with flab over flowing off the arms of the chair or that I'm stuck in a wheel chair because I can't walk any where. No I can walk, which I love to do. But I admit that it hurts my back to do lots of bending. It hurts me to look through clothes in the store because I have to go to the back of the store to find clothing that actually fits. It really hurts when I have to look for bras and undies and find out I have to buy granny clothing. Now when you weigh over 200 pounds it is hard to lose weight. I tried. I been on a diet. I lost 10 pounds and felt good but then I was only eating salad and when I stopped doing that the weight came back with a vengeance. oi.. But you know what else I had to learn the hard way? I have to respect myself. Even if I don't like being fat its a part of who I am. My bf loves me no matter what I look like. And let me tell you some times I hate myself for looking this way. I learned to hate myself because my father always called me fat. That I needed to lose weight but he never helped. He never talked to mom about feeding us better food. All he said was that I needed to lose weight. You don't tell a little kid they need to lose weight. Never call them fat. No parent should do that to their kid. If their kid is a little over weight then everyone in the house should go on a diet to show the kid that everything is alright... But that never happened to me. So now I'm trying to learn to respect myself and not drive my bf crazy with my self pity.
Back to my folks. They've always liked my little brother more then me. I don't mean this in a brother-sister rivalry but its just in general. They've always told my brother that he'd make something of himself. That he was smart and would be a great teacher. He whines and complains about wanting something and they always buy it for him.When I first started to go to college I wanted to stay up in WA and go to a CC there but they didn't want me to leave the state. My brother wants to go to ID to BYU which costs more money then he has but he begs and whines until he got them to do it for him. Puft. I just can't stand it. I can't. I love yet really hate my family. I can't stand how they treat us differently. How they help my little brother out more then me. I worked during college. I paid for my own college. They helped him every step of the way so he can just play in college. I just want to scream and yell and throw a fit and maybe they'd pay attention to me. Sometimes I think I should but you know what? I don't want to stoop to that level. Some where in my life I learned that I should always try to do things on my own. Somewhere I learned that I should never whine or complain to get my way. I should always try to get it on my own. But when I ask for help they turn their back on me. I just don't know what to do.
Does it sound wrong of me to ask for help? Do I sound spoiled? In my mind I don't. I'm 23 years old, I've tried and tried and tried. I truely have. I just don't know what to do any more. I don't.....oi.

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