Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals


View User's Journal

Report This Entry Subscribe to this Journal
Story of human history. We try to make things better but we just mess up.
I am Alex. I made a mistake long ago. Okay, not long. Maybe five or six days ago. I loved someone too much. We had faught and argued. We broke up twice. This needs a little better back story. My parents had been fighting. My dad cheated on my mom. I put all the negative feelings into this relationship and I shouldn't have. We had been arguing for months. I stopped taking to her bus because I was hurt at the arguing. I called less cause I had been hurting. It all culminated when I was arguing to my bestfriend and then I put the negative feelings on my relationship and her. In my anger I accidently broke up with her on spring break. And My best friend decided to tell the love of my life that I liked another girl. Which in fact, I never did. That was two weeks prior, and since then she told me she had feelings for a friend of mine. Which honestly I had no thought about. But I became an a** and told him in front of her. I love that one woman more than anything in the world. I love someone so much, and I freaked out. I love her and I that Thursday we broke up was because we were getting ready for sex. I know that now it is not important. It never was and I shouldn't have pushed her for it as I did. And I freaked out that Thursday because I realized I wasn't ready. But instead of tell her the truth I made up a lie. I told her I did like that girl. She thought that I did and to get the conversation over I told her I did. I lied to her that day. I lied to cover up my fear of sex. I am a sixteen year old boy. Why was I scared? I wasn't, but that day I had a feeling in the pit of my stomache that something bad was going to happen. I couldn't explain it. I couldn't explain it and I was scared. I thought that if we did it we would ******** up our entire lives together. I thought she would get pregnant or her parents would find out. Well, in the conversation on the phone in my desperate and feeble attempts to control my mind I lied to her on the phone. She said not to date anyone she didn't like. I had no intent of dating anyone at all. I wanted only her. I told her that if I did date that girl I was sorry. She then turned it on me that I liked her, which in every intent, I did not. I love the woman I was arguing with and to protect her I lied saying I did. The next day went bye and I wanted to scream and cry every time but I held it in. I held it in because I knew she didn't want me anymore. I was heartbroken, so that Friday I went to see a movie, then we spent time at Walmart. I had time to get my mind off it. The next day rolled by and I was still coping. And me, being me, I am very impulsive. I stayed with my bros. That night, I deleted all her pictures cause they hurt too much at the strongest urging of my friend who told her that I liked another girl.. That night she had her ex boyfriend who cheated on her over. I didn't learn that till tuesday. He is an awful man who doesn't love her as I do. He was there to comfort her, I would hope. But I am not a mind reader. And she likes him, but he has no intent on being with her. I wish to tell her this. Well, on Monday I tried talking to her, she said she was over me, I wish to not believe this. I can't change her mind because she is stubborn but I love that about her. Well, I freaked out because she is my world, and my own world doesn't want me now. Well that night I ran over to her house begging to be able to talk to her. And her parents loving and protecting her wanted to call the cops on me. I fell back home, heart broken because I felt as if the world was slipping away. I couldn't think. So the next day, I tried talking to her, I but she ran away and had her parents try putting a restraint on me. I went home early that day cause of fear of suicide. I love her so very much. I couldn't sleep much because of the break up and I was up at 2:30 in the morning. I walked over a note to her and another to her parents telling the truth of what happened. I left the duck that reminded her about her grandmothers. I felt it was needed to be done. I slept soundly that night after that. Well, the next day I went to the councilors. We talked about giving her space and I went home. Well, heedlessly taking steps I went on facebook. I acted like an internet terrorist. I tried letting her know I love her. But she doesn't want to listen to me. She blocked me and I deactivated my facebook. I gave up my phone to my mother who is thinking of giving it to my brother. Well, on Wendsday night her and her mother came over and told me that I was to leave her alone. She didn't want to hear my explanation. That night I wrote a note saying im over her. Because I am trying really hard to. It isn't true but I wanted her to feel as if it was so she can move on and be happy. If she doesn't love me, then I can stop loving her. My friend read it to her and she tried taking to give to her parents as "evidence of contact." I am not over her. But I wanted her to know that to feel better. I want her to know how much I love her but she will never take me again. Thank you for listening gaiaonline. You got me through today. She said there is not a chance again. But I can hope. I believe I deserve at least one more. Just one more chance at love.

Community Member
  • [04/11/11 12:04pm]
  • [04/09/11 12:49am]
  • [03/07/09 02:06pm]

    Manage Your Items
    Other Stuff
    Get GCash
    Get Items
    More Items
    Where Everyone Hangs Out
    Other Community Areas
    Virtual Spaces
    Fun Stuff
    Gaia's Games
    Play with GCash
    Play with Platinum